You: An Army of None


There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are Navy SEALs or Delta Force, and those who . . . actually, there are three kinds of people in this world. Those who are Navy SEALs or Delta Force, those who could and should be Navy SEALs or Delta Force but mistakenly took another path, and then there are the rest of you who aren’t SEALs or Delta Force, nor were you meant to be, nor could you ever be. The vast majority of people in the world fall into the third group. For an example of a typical Group 3 person, please see here. Also here.  I view myself as being pretty much in the first (please see here), although I suppose you could make an argument that I’m in the second.

You can tell if you are in Group 1 by A. Inspecting your pecs, and B. Remembering if you have recently killed or are currently killing a few hundred AK-47-wielding bearded people in the Middle East with your bare hands. As to the second and third groups; here’s how to tell which one you belong to:

Remember a couple months ago when a SEAL team of snipers and divers took out the Somali pirates holding that American captain hostage? The snipers terminated them with shots to the head, dealing with the bouncing waves affecting the ship they were shooting from and the one they were shooting at, while a few of their teammates surreptitiously scuba dove (in shark infested waters, no less) and silently surfaced to storm the ship at the exact moment the snipers fired. Remember that? When you heard about that did you say to your wife “Wow, those guys are just incredible. I have no idea how they do what they do.” You’re in Group 3. Or did you flex your jaw and slowly nod your head a couple times before endorsing the mission with a “Ya, that’s about right. I probably would have had Sniper #2 a few feet to the south, but they basically followed protocol.” If so, you’re in Group 2.


Above is a little draw-up I created to help you non-military types visualize the pirate assassination

When you go to the zoo with your young child (if you are in Group 1 you refer to the child as an S.M.T.L.; Slow Moving Tactical Liability) do you relax, enjoy his company, and coo with him at the exotic animals? Or do you view each animal as a potential threat, constantly assessing what your plan will be when, for example, you hear the screams of human and non-human primates and realize an escaped 700 pound Siberian Tiger is bolting toward you at 35 mph? Are you sizing up improvised escape routes, objects to be adapted as weaponry, and obese or old people to use as diversions?

If you’re in Group 1, you and five of your unit members noted the potential threat from the Siberian Tiger months ago, rappelled into its cage from a Blackhawk, and neutralized it with a coat hanger and a throw pillow.  If you’re now thinking, “My goodness, I had never considered the possible danger at the zoo,” then I’m sure you’ll make a fine grief counselor or Pilates instructor and you can stop reading now, as the rest of this post has nothing to do with you. If you’re nodding your head as I describe the above scenario, then you, like me, are in Group 2 and are what I call a Citizen SEAL. Please read on.


Basically, the only difference between a Military SEAL and we Citizen SEALs is a few weeks of BUD/S Training (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL). Also, the government buys all the weapons for one group but blindly refuses to buy them for the other, even after repeated letters to Congress.

Many people ask why we Citizen SEALs never become military ones. The question implies that we wanted to, which is ignorant and annoying.  Why didn’t you ever become super rich and marry a gorgeous woman?  Anyway, you should know that being a Citizen SEAL is better in some ways. For example, Military SEALs have all sorts of rigid R.O.E.s (Rules of Engagement) they have to observe. We know that some of these are useful and give them the steely discipline they—and we—are famous for. But some of these strictures hold them back unnecessarily. For example, the rule about any individual SEAL not having spontaneous authority over civilian police officers and magistrates in the U.S. You and I don’t have these restrictive shackles and can judge each situation as it occurs and act accordingly. Another example: it is not “permissible” to fire a Rocket Propelled Grenade into a crowd of foreign children who are taunting you. Citizen SEALs recognize that allowing someone to taunt you without forfeiting their life degrades the reputation of the entire SEAL family and puts all of us in danger.


Anyway, back to the question of why I never became a Military SEAL. For me it’s as simple as a bad rotator cuff and a misguided high school guidance counselor.

Guidance Counselor:  “Education this, education that.  My education was so valuable that it enabled me to become a high school guidance counselor. You should definitely follow in my footsteps, because I have this terrible job in which I am surrounded by people even more bereft of hope and cat-scented than myself.”

Citizen Seal Bell: “What about Delta Force as a career path, maggot? What about me learning to snap your doughy neck four different ways with my feet while defusing the bomb the Taliban stuck into your pocket? What about that career path?”

But that’s okay. I took a different route and I’m happy with it. Like, imagine if instead of becoming President, Barack Obama had become a tour bus guide, showing Germans and Asians around Chicago. He’d still be happy, just in a slightly different way.  Not in a better or worse way. Just different.

This entry was posted in Animals, Combat, Obsessions. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to You: An Army of None

  1. Rachel says:

    I guess I’d be happier if Obama decided to become a tour bus guide and maybe the Germans and Asians would have been better for it as well.

    LOL on the pic of Davis- I often use fire hydrants as a prop for my more formal pictures, but he threw caution to the wind and just went casual with it…I appreciate that.

  2. Eliza says:

    Oh my goodness. Those pictures and description of type one, KILLED me. and then your type 2 picture, wow good stuff. This post killed me as I have seen and observed your type 2 thought processes happen, at the zoo, etc… Thank you for protecting the world, (if only in your head), I truly appreciate it.

  3. Rachel says:

    On another note…into which category would you put MacGyver? The A Team? Sonny Crockett and Sparkle?

  4. Davis says:

    This post really does explain the picture on your bio.

  5. Andrea W. says:

    Wow, such great stuff. I am loving having another reason to brave the cold and get out of my nice warm bed every morning. This post did NOT dissapoint.

  6. Macy says:

    I loved this post. Laughed really hard. Loved the three types with the pics…perfect. You’re pic is pretty great actually. I think you are definitely seperating yourself from the other two.

  7. Rebecca says:

    i still laugh every time I read this post and I’ve probably read it 5 times. love the pic of Davis. he makes it look so effortless. for all you doubting readers, i have personally been at the zoo with Christian and our son and he means every word of this post. every word.

  8. Josh says:

    I picture myself as a solid group 2 member and joining the citizen seal team.

  9. Christian says:

    Craig, Have I heard of Marcus Luttrell? I’m currently co-writing a book with him to foster better relationships between the Military and Citizen SEALs.

    Rachel, McGyver is just a clever pansy with good hair. And the A Team is a team from the Army Special Forces.

  10. hasselboff says:

    lolol. funny post kook. i’d like to think i fall into group 2, but given i can’t last 5 minutes in a tent before i start longing for my bed, i’m not sure i qualify.

  11. Ryan says:

    Is it me or is there something mildly gay about that BUDS training picture. Sorry, citizen SEALS, but I prefer a fraternity of tough guys who don’t muscularly luxuriate underwater with their BUDS! Sign me up for a good band of Cossacks over the SEALS any day.

  12. Davis says:

    My first reaction to this post was, “I love the watch the guy in the fifth picture is wearing!!!” I’m guessing that puts me in Group 1 or 2, right?

  13. Ben Pratt says:

    Just the other day I was on the bus with a crazy man, and found myself considering various ways I might incapacitate him if I suddenly needed to.

  14. Christian says:

    Ben, that is a perfect case of a Citizen SEAL mentality. I can’t tell you how much I relate with that scenario.

    And it’s nice to see someone I don’t know willing to comment on my post; we have lots of timid lurkers around here.

  15. Ben Pratt says:

    I was directed here by the likes of Kaimi and Steve Evans, and I think you fellows have a fine thing going on here.

    Incidentally, I’m married to a Davis Dart. Shoot me an email if you want to play “Do You Know: Kaysville Edition.”

  16. Christian says:

    Oh, I know who you are. You do great work over there at Millenial Star.

    What’s your wife’s name? Of the six of us siblings who attended Davis, someone has to know her.

  17. Braden says:

    I am with Reba–you people think he is joking. He is NOT. I have to say I’m with Ry about that whole gay vibe.

  18. Bradley Smith says:

    So, is the double dream hands dance part of the Seal training? Or is that part of the Citizen cover?

  19. Bradley Smith says:

    Just the other day I was on the bus with a crazy man, and found myself wondering whether he should have been our next President.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s