Seven Years as my Buddy


I want to have a very open, very safe conversation about some stuff, where no one judges anyone else for what they might write below.

It used to be the case that in grocery stores I was unable to resist the sweet, siren song of Us Weekly while waiting in line, and would end up browsing the magazine until it was my turn to check out. Once in a while, depending on who was on the cover and how hopeless my future looked, I might take it to a closed register where I could peruse for 15 or 20 minutes without buying it. To actually buy one would be the final admission that things had spiraled out of control, and I can truthfully tell you that I’ve never actually gone all the way. But even just taking a free look-see left me with a depressing feeling that I suspect is pretty common for people who fail a lot in life, but a feeling that can be chased away with a lot of peanut M&Ms. Anyway, I don’t do this anymore. Serious adults don’t engage in this sort of behavior, and that’s what I’m trying to be. The obvious exception to this rule, and I think it’s one we can all agree on, is when Brad Pitt is on the cover and it looks like something really juicy is going down.

The other night I was in line with milk and salsa and saw Brad and that woman (I don’t say her name out loud because she’s hurt him again and again and I feel like everyone talking about her only encourages it) with a headline something like “He’s Moving Out!”

Moving OUT?! This is very big news if you’re a fan. Not since Liz and Richard have the world’s leading man and woman been together like this.

liz taylor 3 richard burton

I don’t know why I’ve always had such a healthy respect for B-rad. I admit at the outset that it’s shallow. But if you think about it, on some level so is your admiration for George Washington or Gandhi. Same deal. Actually not the same deal, cause both those guys were huge nerds, while my hero’s a dreamboat.

Honestly, it’s not like I’m under the illusion that BP is a paragon of holiness or anything.  He just seems like the kind of guy who is great at being an awesome friend.  And I’d like to show him how awesome of a friend I can be, or best friend or whatever. Someone he can talk to when his wannabe New Orleans architect friends dismiss him as merely the pretty face of that house restoration project, or when Maddox says Shiloh isn’t his “real sister” and that makes him feel sad inside. Or when his bachelor friends (yes, you G Cloo!) are pressuring him to drink and party too much and he feels confused and like everyone wants a piece of him.

brad pitt inebriated

Wasted, but still twice as awesome as you on your best day

I want to tell him I think Tom Cruise is lame and insecure and obviously very short. We would have some funny secret nickname that we used for Tom when we were at parties and couldn’t have other people know we were clowning on him, like “couchboy” or “tom thumb.” Like if the mini-me actor came to the party, or one of the star’s little kids, I would make a face and sarcastically yell:

“Yo B-town, did I just see couchboy entre?”


“Hey-OOO, we got a tom thumb situation all up in here!” or something witty that would make us bust up and high five.



Anyway, I learned from last night’s Us Weekly article that Brad and A.J. haven’t been getting along well lately and they got in a huge fight the other day and she told him to get out and he was happy to comply because he’s been feeling lately like he’s just been going along with her life and all her U.N. Ambassador priorities and he wants to be able to do what he wants and be a good guy and still give to charity and stuff but also be able to let loose and have fun like Clooney so he’s hired a team of top real estate people to look for something close to her and the kids because he’s not about to abandon his kids.

I hate that he has to go through all of this. I know he has a lot going for him and has a great life, but still you always want to shield him from all the bad and painful stuff because he already has the weight of the world on him. I know the hard times only make him stronger, but still.

So tell me, who do you want to be friends with?

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28 Responses to Seven Years as my Buddy

  1. Eliza says:

    you are dang funny. And although I am a little weirded out by your devotion to Brad, I totally get having “friend crushes” on celebs, where you’re sure if they knew you, you guys would be best friends. so funny.

  2. Rachel says:

    You have GOT to be kidding me.

    Buuuuut, if you’re not, I think Hugh Jackman would be pretty near the top of my pick list.

  3. Davis says:

    Hugh Jackman? Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Ok. You’re not serious.

  4. Rachel says:

    Davis- I am serious.

    see the following:
    (try not to drool over his picture)

    • Davis says:


      1. This isn’t about who you want to be your sexy Hollywood boyfriend. Actually, as I re-read Kook’s post, maybe it kind of is. So scratch this point.

      2. Hugh Jackman is an extremely poor choice to be your sexy Hollywood boyfriend. First of all, he’s gay. Second of all, he’s not that attractive.

  5. Andrea W. says:

    Christian, it’s true sometimes fate is just cruel and doesn’t align our life paths with those who would truly appreciate us. It’s funny that just hearing one or two things about people sometimes just totally seals the deal for me. I saw Chris O’Donnell on the Bonnie Hunt show (who incidentally I think she and I could be fast friends) and heard that he has 5 kids and has been married for 12 years. I am now his biggest fan and even watch his show that isn’t great. The tom thumb stuff was killing me.

  6. Rebecca says:

    it looks like hugh went a little overboard on the self-tanner in that picture. anyway, i really like jennifer connelly, especially since my husband has met her and carried her dog through the airport and he said she’s very nice. also, i think she seems down to earth and i think she’s gorgeous. that’s okay to say, right? i mean, christian went to town on his obsession with Brad.

  7. Macy says:

    I saw Claire Danes on Martha Stewart the other day, and was so taken by her. She was darling, humble, and brilliant. She wore this totally classy, very tailored dress that I loved. She kept licking her fingers while they made homeade marshmellows…and I loved it because Martha Stewart would NEVER do that. Anyway, I just wanted to be friends.

  8. Braden says:

    Kook, I am laughing so hard in study hall, trying to not let my kids see what I am doing. Hysterical. I’m so glad that someone is taking up poor Brad’s cause. Other than a very brief and torrid crush on Heather Locklear in high school, I really don’t have celeb crushes like you and Lize. However, I would very much like to walk down the street in a matching hat and topcoat with Jimmy Stewart, possibly to share a cup of cocoa.

  9. Christian says:

    Ok, Macy, Ange, and I are the only ones secure enough to be honest. Rachel is being a perv. Davis is being rude. And Braden is being a nerd by naming someone from silent movies in the 1800’s. But I appreciate all your feedback equally, just the same.

    Do you want me to tell you who a lot of you women (especially you urban, semi-hipster women in NY in NorCal) want to be friends with? Most of you actually just want to be her. Zooey Deschanel. Admit it, I see the look in your eyes when you watch her in movies.

    You emo weirdos want to hang with Kristen Stewart.

    And I know you SoCal girls love Pam Anderson.

    I’d target the dudes, but most straight dudes just won’t admit these things. Here at DDDT, you get straight dudes who will admit these things.

  10. Eliza says:

    Okay okay. First of all in my defense, I didn’t see your question at the end to name your celebrity friend crush, so I withheld because its a little embarrassing. Okay really embarrassing. So here it is; Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I know I know, she can be really annoying and really ignorant and pretty retarded when it comes to defending the republicans but I’m pretty sure we could be really good friends. So maybe that means I’m annoying, I don’t know, but at least you can I’m honest. And btw, I’m sure I have more, I just can’t really think of any right now.

  11. Layne says:

    15-20 minutes made you feel guilty? I read almost the ENTRIE Harry Potter 5 book in the BYU bookstore one summer. I didn’t have the cash to buy it and the library wait list was about 7 months long. So, I read it while standing next to the Harry Potter cardboard cutout. I’m sure I skipped a few pages here and there when my legs were getting tired, but I stood there for a long time.

    I’ve never told anyone this, but your post made me feel like sharing. Brad is totally awesome too. He rides a bullet bike.

  12. Squewerang says:

    I tell you what Bell, Clayton was right when he said you ring the loudest on the hill. I mean this with absolute sincerity, that is some great writing above.

    Reminds me of David Sedaris. Have you read any of his books? He’s got the pathetic obsessions down. If you haven’t read any of him you should, but caution, he can get pretty graphic with homosexual encounters.

    I’m glad you’ve found this forum for your writing. It’s really good and I’m sure it will only get better. Its funny though how much effort we will go through to entertain our friends and family. Good stuff Bell, I should be paying a user fee to read you posts.

  13. Squewertacous says:

    Hugh Grant

    He was doing infidelity before it was cool. He was way ahead of his time.

  14. Christian says:

    Eliza, thanks for being honest, but yes, it does make you annoying. How would it make you feel if I said Fran Drescher was my wannabe celeb friend?

    Layne, “I’m sure I skipped a few pages here and there when my legs were getting tired,”. Lol. I read all of Hunger Games in two multi-hour sittings at Barnes and Noble. I’ll go back and buy it when I have more money cause I still feel bad about that.

    Squewer, thanks so much for reminding me of Clayton’s Bell ringing puns. Such good memories. Never read Sedaris but I hear he’s really funny. And yes, we’re going to start charging here in 3 weeks but wanted to do the first month free. And the price will be very affordable anyway.

    Had Hugh Grant met Divine today it would have been news for 7 hours before the next, bigger cheater took center stage. Poor chap.

  15. Erin says:

    i like the blog…you guys are great! pretty sure Jennifer Garner and I could be tight. We both like to bake and we both like kung fu fighting. Really, I like her.

  16. Christian says:

    Erin, this is awkward for me, but I’m going to have to nix your Jennifer Garner pick. Please try another one. Maybe Cher? JLo?

  17. Ryan says:

    Of all of these picks, I have to say, objectively, that Claire Danes is the best. Nice work, Macy.

  18. Ryan says:

    (And I don’t object to Jennifer Garner, either. She was great in Pearl Harbor, you know?)

  19. maweesa says:

    Macy, you stole mine, ever since 6th grade when MSCL was on, I wanted to be her best friend. I also want to be friends with Felicity. Oh and maybe Coach Taylor and Tammy… Davis always catches me laughing during Oprah so maybe her too.. although I don’t really see her as my friend… I also like Suzy on the Real World/Road Rules challenge… I could go on and on.. I just might have too many of these…

  20. Christian says:

    What about the Osbournes?

  21. Chelsea says:

    I have to agree with Macy on the Claire Danes choice. Classy, good dresser, a little more intelligent than the rest… I also used to like Gwyneth Paltrow, but she’s a sell-out. Still a good dresser, though, not gonna lie.

    Oh, and I loved the reference to peanut m&ms. The whole scene at the grocery store has played in my life over and over.

  22. Christian says:

    Wow, so Claire Danes it is then. When Claire Danes was first mentioned, I immediately thought of Kirsten Dunst, and I thought that was kind of a weird pick, but ya, I can see Claire Danes. She does seem like she’d be cool. And it doesn’t hurt that she’s a DARLING dresser.

    Chelsea, thanks for not leaving me out there alone on the peanut m&m binging thing. No one’s perfect, and at least you and I can admit it.

  23. Tyler Nelson says:

    I have wanted to be friends with Brett and Germain from flight of the conchords. They’re great musicians, they are dry as the great basin’s lake, and they get to write loves songs to human girls about epileptic dogs. You cannot argue that those aren’t their true colors shining through? Apologies for the P collins quote.

  24. Christian says:

    Tyler, I agree, the Conchords would be awesome friends. Have you seen this yet?

  25. Oh my laughing. Too much pressure to come up with a witty comment. I’ve got nothin.

  26. Christian says:

    Danica, your sincere admiration of Brad speaks volumes about you. No witty comment required.

  27. Morgan says:

    I hate that I am so late to the game, but i would love to be friends with Marion Cotillard. Every time she speaks i smile 🙂

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