Searchable You

I love a good web search.  I don’t mean a search that brings good results, I mean a good search query, one that gives you a good look into the soul of the searcher.  That’s what is so great about the tool in Google that suggests ways to complete a search after you’ve typed the first few words of your search.  Type in ‘how to make a,’ and Google will intuit that you may be trying to ask ‘how to make a diaper cake.’  Type in ‘what is wrong with,’ and Google will helpfully guess that you are trying to figure out what is wrong with either yourself, your car, or Seal’s face.  Start with “how do you get a man” and Google will assume that you’re either searching for how to get a man to marry you, or how to get a manaphy in Pokemon ranger.   There are two standout searches beginning with “Why can’t they. . . ”  “Why can’t they find a cure for cancer,” and “Why can’t they sing in the Big Brother house.”  These are important topics, and Google is there to help you explore them.  (For a really fun exploration of how stupid people and smart people get fittingly different results, see this Slate article.)


The elusive Pokemon Manaphy.  Even Google can’t help you find this guy.

I used to run a website that dealt with some Mormon-related political topics.  Hands down the best part of running that website was looking at the analytics, which showed me the various searches people would type in that would bring them to my site.  Things like “Is Brian Williams Mormon?” (the answer is no) and “Katie Couric IS Mormon” (the answer is this is not a question); and “massacre porn” (what?) and “hot Mormons” (absolutely) and “Nigeria pros and cons in bullet points” (that’s my other blog) and “never trust a Mormon.” (duh).  By far the best search I ever got on that site was “Mormon body odor.”  Nice to see that someone’s on the case tracking down those stinky, stinky Mormons.  If only we could solve the problem with Catholic plantar fasciitis.

The best part of these things is that they let you imagine whatever you want to about all those crazy, hopeful, confused people out there doing Google searches.  I love to picture the angry grandma in Milwaukee, new to the Internet, asking “who is my . . . Congressman,” while somewhere in Arkansas there’s an anxious red-headed pre-teen girl asking “who is my . . . guardian angel.”  A studious middle schooler in California asks “what is the . . . public option” while a burnt-out guitarist in Idaho is asking “what is the . . . meaning of life.”  And always, everyone asking “Why did . . . I get married? Why did . . . Hitler dislike Jews? And, why did . . . the chicken cross the road?”

Or, if you really want to have your mind blown, stop thinking about individuals, and think about hundreds or thousands of people.  These are searches made by crowds, the most popular recent searches Google has recorded beginning with your chosen words.  That’s right, it’s not one person asking “why do white people . . . love Wayne Brady so much.”  It’s a bunch.  Spend a little while plugging in vague prefixes and you’ll find that we as a nation, or a world, or maybe just an Internet community are obsessed with pregnancy, celebrities, celebrity pregnancies, and, most of all, the Jackson 5.  (Who made them up? Where are they now? Why didn’t they open Michael’s casket?).

wayne brady

Seriously, white people, why? Why?

But we’re just as obsessed with love and philosophy and connecting with our fellow men.  Which is sort of encouraging, until you realize that we’re trying to get answers about love and philosophy and our fellow men from a search engine.

This entry was posted in Delights, Heartbreaking and Adorable, Internet Delights. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Searchable You

  1. Davis says:

    The best one is found by entering “Why is there. . .” You get a few different options, but my favorite is, “Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch.”

  2. Eliza says:

    funny stuff. That kind of thing is fascinating to me, what a perfect and random way to have a feel for what the average person is thinking.

  3. Andrea W. says:

    That is really funny that google has become the magic eight ball for our times.

  4. Squewper Duper says:

    “Why wont my parakeet eat my diarrhea” has kept a smile on my face for a month now since I came across it.
    Google is like that friend who is always finishing my sentences in a wrong way that makes me think they’re not really listening.

  5. Davis says:

    Ang, it’s funny you say that, because Melissa and I (and Ron, when he lived with us) have been using this internet Magic 8 ball to dictate who has to do an unpleasant task. For example, we ask the Magic 8 Ball, “Should Melissa get up to get the remote control.” If it says no, then it’s my turn, and so on. It actually works pretty well.

  6. Norm says:

    results for “What if I am…”

    …exposed to h1n1
    …not eligible for FMLA

    But the first one on the list?

    …a black woman

    #7 was

    …a vampire

  7. Christian says:

    Skew and Norm, the diarrhea and black women ones are really dang funny. Google needs to develop a technology that can tell us the back story behind people searching for those kinds of things. I’m dying to know the frustrated old lady who cant for the life of her understand why her parakeet won’t eat her diarrhea, which is much less expensive than the kind of bird food you buy at those fancy pet shops.

  8. Ryan says:

    I would be very interested to know what kind of treatment Google prescribes for the condition of being a black woman. I hope those entering that search are finding what they’re looking for.

  9. Benny says:

    I thought this was funny and telling.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s