Big Guy!


I’m a pretty tall guy, measuring a little over 6’2.  I’m also a pretty big guy, weighing in at don’t worry about it.  Weight is just a made-up number that doesn’t mean anything. Big Scale interests don’t want you to know this, but scales can be off by as many as 150 pounds.

Anyway, I’m a big guy, tall and . . . broad.  And to be a big guy, you have to be both: being tall but not broad doesn’t cut it, and neither does being broad but not tall.  I actually haven’t always been a big guy.  I was pretty short throughout junior high and high school, not getting my growth spurt until college.  I haven’t always been broad, either, although that transformation is a story for another day.  In any case, the fact that I’ve attained big guy status later in life has enabled me to see the difference between how people feel about big guys versus how they feel about normal-sized guys.  And I’m happy to report that people loooove big guys.

“I’ve created a multimillion dollar career based on the fact that people love big guys, and they especially like big guys who talk really fast.”

I once had a job where my old boss was replaced by a new one from Latin America.  In the first meeting my team had with him, he turned to me, ignoring the ten other people present, and said, “Hello, beeeg guy!!”  In college I dated a girl for a while whose grandparents we visited fairly often.  Every time I entered their home her grandfather would remark to her grandmother, “Why, look at that big hunk of meat!  He must be, what, 6’4?  6’5?  Say, how tall are you, son?  What do you weigh?”  I’m constantly getting extra peanuts on flights because the stewardess knows that a big guy needs (and deserves) more peanuts than a regular guy.  And so on.  I could tell you ten other stories like these, where someone instantly took a shine to me or did me a favor just because I’m a big guy.

So why do people love big guys?  Maybe one reason is because big guys come with a ready-made nickname.  I can’t go to the bank, buy a hot dog, or walk past a homeless man without being called, “big guy.”  People just absolutely love to call me “big guy,” or in the case of African-Americans, “big man.”  To be honest, though, I don’t think that the average person’s love for big guys can be entirely attributed to the nickname factor.  Although one should never underestimate just how much people love to give and receive nicknames; I’m certain that most of the missteps of the second Bush Administration can be traced back to a few individuals’ desire to receive a nickname from W.

Adviser 1:  “He just called me Short Stop!!!  I’m not going to tell him Iraq is a bad idea.  You do it.”

Adviser 2:  “Iraq?  I stopped listening after he called me Brain Train!!!”


“What’s my exit strategy in Iraq?  You believe this guy?  That’s what I’m gonna call you from now on, ‘Exit Strategy.’  I like you, Exit Strategy.  Exit Strategy, you wanna go see the White House bowling alley?  Condi, go show Exit Strategy the bowling alley.  OK now, we’ll see you later.”

No, I actually think it’s clear why people love big guys:  normal-sized guys can’t be trusted.  They’re too shifty, always up to no good.  They’re either looking to lighten your wallet or sneak off with your wife, or both.  But not big guys. Big guys are generally too slow-moving for crime and intrigue, and they have the strength to carry you if you become injured, and you know they will because a big man never leaves a comrade behind. And I never have.

This entry was posted in Big Guy, George W. Bush, Nicknames, Vince Vaughn. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Big Guy!

  1. Eliza says:

    LOL! It really is kind of true, but only in a certain case. And that certain case is that the big guy has to not be a tough guy or a macho man. It is just so much more lovable when a big guy is kind of a teddy bear. and you my friend are one big teddy bear. ; )

  2. Macy says:

    IT is true! I love saying, “Big guy” too. I also love hugging big guys, like ryan. One of my most favorite things to do. So funny about the extra peanuts on the airplane. Special privileges you big guys get , don’t you. Funny.

  3. Troy says:

    What did they call you in Argentina? They love their nicknames there. I was “flaco” which, translated, means “skinny” but it didn’t seem like it was meant as a compliment. I think they meant something more like “gangly”, or “wimpy” like I wasn’t very manly. Bigger is manlier. I accept that. The beauty with you Davis is that you and I used to be the same size…and we lacked the same amount of manly body hair. Because you’ve lived life from both worlds you will always have empathy for us flacos and for that I love you, brother. I love you so much that if you were ever homeless I’d adopt you, take you into my home, teach you how to play left guard, and get you a scholarship at Ole Miss.

  4. Ben Pratt says:

    *suddenly begins eating double helpings at dinner*

  5. Rebecca says:

    Troy stole my idea to reference Mike Oher. I can agree with the “loveability” of a big guy- but like Liza said, only if they are teddy-bear-ish. That’s so funny that you get called that wherever you go and get special treatment to boot!

  6. Natalie says:

    My favorite yet.

    Wait, you dated a girl before Melissa? That’s not the story I heard…

  7. Tyler Nelson says:

    Lets not forget the omnipresent intimidation factor the big-guy immediately puts on this kind of situation. Its quite possible that the immediate double peanut response the flight attendant offered you was not because she wanted to hug a big-guy, who’s knees always hit her cart, slowing down her job and causing her to scream obscenities at other passengers. Nor could she even attempt a mid-isle hug in such a confined space. But instead to protect the small guy, who’s new peanut stash, and himself, are in danger of disappearance due to what I wish to call big-guy natural selection. Maybe its a socio-cultural dilemma we have stuck ourselves in. I love food, and I am in constant fear of some big-guy snatching my wifes chili cheese dog out of her hand! That’s no way to live is it? I think this calls for a new tax incentive for big-guys who dress up during the holidays and deliver goodies to “small communities.” All that being said, I still love big-guys though, and do want to hug them. Good discussion point Davis, the roots of this go deep.

  8. Ali says:

    Also, big guys are always funnier. or they just get more courteous laughs?

    and you don’t have to worry about little mans syndrome. i hate little mans syndrome.

  9. Ryan says:

    The magic of it is that big guys are never brittle. Little guys can be wound tight, but big guys mostly just want to goof around. I am perfectly confident in making this generalization.

  10. Greg Whiteley says:

    Awesome, Big Guy.

  11. Christian says:

    I try hard not to laugh at your jokes ever since you and your cronies ruined Earth’s financial system, but I’ve been chuckling about “Brain Train” all day long. Such a great nickname W. would really give someone.

  12. Braden says:

    “Exit Strategy” was briliant. Brilliant

  13. Davis says:

    Liza, the macho ones are teddy bears on the inside. Go hug a random biker gang guy and you’ll see.

    Macy, you’re getting a “100 free hugs” booklet from me for Christmas.

    Troy, they mostly just called me “El Guapo.” My Spanish is so rusty, I can’t even remember what that means.

    Ben, it’s totally worth it. You may only live to see 55, but those are 55 full, enjoyable years.

    Rebecca, now you know why people are always making me smoothies and pancakes.

    Natalie, there were no women before Melissa. Only girls.

    Tyler, welcome. When I was writing this post, Ryan suggested that people like big guys because they represent power, which people respect, but it comes packaged in a non-threatening way. At which point I stole his hot dog.

    Ali, we’re funnier AND we get more courtesy laughs. Synergy.

    Greg, see?

    Kook, I miss having W. in life. Not having him as President, but in my life.

    Braden, too bad the actual “Exit Strategy” wasn’t so brilliant.

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