Lately I’ve become something of a connoisseur of jewelry commercials. The men in these commercials are kind, considerate, romantic, and they plan ahead. In fact, they are so amazing that pretty soon the only thing the jewelers will be able to do is have all commercials feature George Clooney in a superman outfit, handing out diamond-encrusted diamonds to his 800 pound quadriplegic girlfriend. Jewelry commercials are a genre, an art form, biting social commentary, and televised female crack cocaine, all at the same time. I love them.
Have you seen this one?
Seriously? They’re spending Christmas together, they’re blissfully in love and he doesn’t know how to do sign language? What are they going to do for the rest of the day? How long have they been together? When on earth is he going to get around to learning how to talk to her? After a few more trips to Kay’s, I bet. I guess the other possibility is that she’s tried to break up with him a bunch of times and he just nods and smiles and signs “My name is Jason.”
This one’s nice too:
“I’m really going to amaze her this time. Gonna get that necklace out of the box, gonna put on all my snow stuff, gonna go outside, then stand by the window. Then, when she goes by the window- draw two shared hearts in the window steam that for some reason is on the outside of the window, and when she is touched by that display of affection, BAM- drop the necklace on her. Well, show it to her, and then go back inside and take off my snow stuff and give it to her. Gonna be great.”
Women in jewelry commercials are pretty great too. They have one characteristic: blown away. Doesn’t matter how you decide to present your jewelry (obviously you’re going to do something amazingly romantic and sweet, though)- she’s gonna be on the verge of tears every time. That’s just how women are. They’re also adorably mute.
This one might be my all time favorite:
He’s sensitive, he’s cute, he’s endearingly tuned in to the weather (both current and historical), and he gets that women, like dogs and small children, are frightened by thunder, and he always has a jewelry box ready to pull out whenever she’s feeling distraught. Others in this series: Part II: She trips on the stairs; he picks her up and says “Are you okay?” then produces a jewelry box and says “Hope it’s OKAY if I give you some jewelry now.” Part III: She burns the breakfast; he appears behind her with a hug and says “Smells like carbon,” suddenly he’s holding a jewelry box and says “I took the liberty of buying you some ultra-hardened carbon, to show you I’ll always be here when you burn the breakfast.” By the way, all of these lines are said with the same husky delivery that this guy uses to say “and I always will be.” (go back to :08 in the video) Deep, sensual, chin down, eyes up, lips extended, the most serious thing on earth. Really, one of my favorite commercial line-deliveries of all time.
Since seeing this commercial, I try to say at least one thing to Macy every day with that exact same tone of voice, just to keep the spark alive. Try it with me: “Do you know where my keys are?” Any guesses what that does to her? (Do you know the sign for “read my lips?”)
Anyway, that was a very good year, jewelry advertisers. Seriously, great job everyone. See you at the end of 2010!