Red Eye

I once wrote a post in which I stated, “If you were plotting to kill me, you could just put a big black bomb like you see in cartoons on my doorstep with a note that says, ‘Light this if you want to hear some awesome animal facts.'” Here’s a two-step plan for killing me without ever appearing on one of my favorite TV shows, 48 Hours Murder Mystery:

1.  Find out when I’m arriving at JFK on a red eye

2.  Leave a loaded gun lying on the ground next to the taxi line.

I’ll take care of the rest.

Yes, I returned to New York this morning on a red eye. I’ve had a really bad head cold, and now thanks to my flight my ears are clogged to the point that I feel like I’m walking around with one of those old scuba helmets on, and the helmet is filled with Vaseline. It’s not all bad though:  I can conclusively report that four hours of sleep on a crowded airplane can be scratched off the list of possible cures for the common cold.  In fact, the only thing four hours of sleep on a crowded airplane does cure is one’s will to live.

I’d be happy to give you some Vaseline in exchange for a loaded gun.

So why take the red eye in the first place?  Well, for starters, it’s always much cheaper.  And when you fly to Utah for every US, Canadian, and Mexican holiday – would you want to be away from your family on Cinco de Mayo??? – shaving a few bucks off the cost of flying you, your wife, and your dog home always seems worth it.  And yes, there is a cost for flying your dog.  $100 each way, which buys you the privilege of holding a squirming dog for 4.5 hours.

Then there’s the issue of time.  You think, “If I take the red eye, I am basically extending my trip by almost an entire day!!  It’s a Cinco de Mayo miracle!!”  The “you” who just took the red eye and is at work the same day after sleeping for 4 hours on a crowded plane wants to travel back in time and take the “you” who thought the red eye was a great idea and punch him in eyes until he starts bleeding, saying, “Your eyes are now red.  With blood.  Do you still like red eyes?”

It’s just not the same without the whole family gathered around.

There’s a whole lot else I’d like to say on the topics I’ve mentioned, but I’m just too tired, so I’ll do a quick summary:

Returning to New York after a visit to Utah:  Terrible

Red eye flights in general:  Awful

The particular red eye flight I took last night:  Horrible

Cinco de Mayo:  Awesome, but only if spent with family

48 Hours Murder Mystery:  Amazing, although somewhat confusing, given that most people who commit murder do it because they want to get rid of their spouse, and I’ve never figured out why, when they’re staring at their list of options for getting rid of a spouse, and they’re down to two options that say “Divorce” and “Murder” they say, “Man, divorce can just really be messy and complicated.  I’m going with Murder.”

Head colds:  Really just a total nightmare.  I feel like George Clooney totally jumped the gun with his Haiti telethon, because now it’s going to be difficult to get all the celebrities back together for the telethon for me and this head cold.

“Thank you so much for calling.  The situation really couldn’t be more dire.  We’re hoping to raise enough money to buy Davis some Nyquil, those expensive Kleenexes that don’t hurt your nose as much, and a handgun and some bullets, though we’re not sure why exactly he requested those.”

This entry was posted in 48 Hours Murder Mystery, Cinco de Mayo, Colds, George Clooney, Lyla, New York, Red eye flights. Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Red Eye

  1. Christian says:

    There are a few luxuries I have promised myself if I ever become very wealthy. First class, direct flights is one of them. Those con artists at Boeing designed those seats for 11 year old girls.

    That’s awesome you guys pay $200 to take Lyla along. That makes sense to me.

  2. Ryan says:

    Piven looks so coolly detached in the background of that photo. I’m loving his sexy ‘disaster relief’ attitude.

    You have my deepest sympathies, Davis. Except that you chose to spend 200 dollars on dog transportation, so no, you don’t have any of my sympathies.

    I hope Melissa didn’t let you take the dog with you on your flight, what with your nasty cold germs flying around that plane.

  3. Davis says:

    I knew some joker was going to zero in on us flying Lyla to Utah. The thing is, we went out for 10 days, so we can either 1. find someone who will stay at our apartment with her for 10 days, which nobody wants to do, 2. have her boarded, which is $70 – $100 per day, or 3. fly her our for $200, which is much cheaper and easier than the other options.

  4. Ryan says:

    Or 4. Take her to Central Park, yell “Go on Lyla, JUST GO!” in a half-fake-mean, half-crying voice, and then grab a cab to the airport.

  5. Christian says:

    Or 5, don’t buy a Paris Hilton dog that is only good for snuggling inside your shirt in the first place.

  6. Christian says:

    By the way, this blog is turning out to be awesome for us. Maybe we could just start emailing each other.

  7. Macy Bell says:

    lol, Kook and Ry. Love the lyla jokes.

    I am with you on red eyes…hate them. I think I am literally too old for them now. I decided I was done with them after Erin and I took one to New York a couple of years ago…..we felt horrible, and we didn’t even have to work the next day. So sorry…….

  8. Elizabeth says:

    This may be off topic since it doesn’t involve Lyla or the telethon, but I don’t get why your family celebrates Cinco de Mayo in January. That might be the real problem right there…

  9. Nate says:

    Thank you Bell brothers…

    …for brightening up an otherwise uneventful Monday morning. I will always read these posts. Even if my levity is based on your miserable head cold and “exotic” tales of red eye flights.

    Seriously Davis? The dog? Go with option 4. She’ll be happy and free.

  10. Braden says:

    LOL Kook on the email. Dave you are hilarious. And so is Ry’s “Half-mean, half-crying voice.”

  11. kaitlyn says:

    the red eye equals my life story. EW

  12. Rebecca says:

    i feel you. nothing upsets my chi like lack of sleep. agreed, ry, on the lyla mumbo jumbo.

  13. Anna says:

    You have my sympathy, red eye flights are the worst.

    I also feel the same way about someone plotting to kill me. It would be so easy. Give me a capri sun and a nap and you could kidnap me.

  14. Troy says:

    From the sounds of your Utah schedule you were spread pretty thin. Everyone wants a piece of the City Boy when he comes calling home. Slaughter the fat calf and all that. I’m glad I got my piece when you were here. Hmm, that came out wrong.

    Anyway, maybe this will make you feel better. Last time I had a head cold, it came with a nice little addition of conjunctivitis…”Pink Eye”. The disease I thought was confined to Elementary Schools full of dirty, snot-faced kids with lice. Apparently a working professional can get it. Treaty treat treat-a-roo.

  15. Troy says:

    Just re-read my post and realized I totally blew the chance to tie in conjunctivitis to the “red-eye” topic. There’s a reason I’m not a guest contributor to the blog yet.

  16. Layne says:

    Davis, can I request that you post some pictures of Lyla? She must be an awesome dog to fly her cross country. What did she think of the red eye?

  17. The boy in the picture is definitely celebrating Cinco de Mayo IN UTAH, catch my drift? I’m sorry, but after the experiences I’ve had flying with kids across the country (think vomiting toddler and 3 month old all by yourself), it’s hard for me to imagine a sans kid flight, albeit a horrid red eye, that can ever take the cake.

  18. Rachel says:

    A-MEN, Danica.

    I recall once driving 7 hours to Altanta from Florida with my three children and then immediately boarding a 2 hour flight to DFW. We sat on the ATL tarmac for 2 hours, deplaned, re-planed, waited one more hour and then took off. Yes, I was husbandless, with two toddlers and a nursing baby. I’ll take 5 of your red-eyes and raise you one-HALF of that fun day. Thank you very much.

  19. tyler says:

    Davis, your Cinco de Mayo could have been ruined once you were stricken with the disastorously subtle grief that accompanies any parent who neglects their child, in this case Lyla (I love the name by the way). You could have been sitting around enjoying your family and friends while Lyla was getting pushed into the ‘pee’ corner of the kennel by a gang of ‘street weenie dogs’, which Lyla is definitely not. There is no telling whether she would have fought like the valiant Mexicans who earned this great day. Your relationship may have been soured for life. Instead of $70-$100 dollars a day it could have been the pain that accompanies getting stiches on your snout. Good call on taking your little one, she is to dang cute to leave at home anyway. Ridiculous I admit, but she is a material girl in a material world.

  20. maweesa says:

    why is everyone hating on lyla? ryan, would you leave rex in c-park? i think not… i will admit though, that recovering from a red eye is the worst! lyla and i are doing it right now… TOGETHER, like any loving mother/daughter pair would.

  21. Christian says:

    Oh Dear. Comment status officially revoked.

  22. Davis says:

    First and foremost, I feel like everyone is missing the point about flying Lyla to Utah. We don’t fly her out there because we can’t bear to be away from her. We fly her out there because it’s so much cheaper than boarding her. Now, is not having a dog cheaper than having a dog? Yes. But that horse left the barn a year ago, so now I’m just trying to minimize the financial damage.

    Christian: Aim higher: I know someone whose only wealth-related goal is to make enough to have a private plane. It’s not a terrible goal. As far as buying a Paris Hilton dog. . . well, you sort of have me there, Mr. Dog Lover. I freely admit that I wish I had a dog more like yours. Oh, wait . . .

    Ryan: When we fly separately, Melissa flies with Lyla, mainly because she’s seen my arm move twitchingly towards the emergency exit door handle after 4 hours of Lyla’s whining and squirming.

    Macy: I really do think the ability to survive a red eye has to do with age. They don’t bother me like they used to.

    Elizabeth: In the same way that real Mexicans wouldn’t recognize the “Mexican” food at Taco Bell, real Mexicans celebrate Cinco de Mayo in January. And besides, you’re off topic. Stay on topic, please.

    Nate: In option 4, it’s not the dog I’m worried about.

    Braden: I agree that I am funny. But Kook and Ryan’s jokes about this are just really rude.

    Kaitlyn: You summed it up. I could have just written, “EW” and it would have been a better representation of my feelings on that matter.

    Rebecca: I agree. Lack of sleep compromises my emotional immune system.

    Anna: We don’t know the kind of people who read this blog, so if a guy in a windowless van drives up to you and offers you a capri sun and a nap, please don’t accept.

    Troy: Missing the “Pink Eye/Red Eye” joke was a rookie mistake.

    Layne: You’re in luck: there happens to be an entire blog dedicated to pictures of Lyla:

    Danica: I actually don’t catch your drift – what do you mean about the boy being in Utah? As far as flying with kids being worse than a red eye with a cold: I concede the point. That looks miserable. Can’t wait.

    Rachel: See above. You have my sympathy.

    Tyler: I give 72 hours won’t have passed from the time Melissa reads your comment until the moment when she’ll show up at home with a puffy pinky vest for Lyla with glitter embroidery saying “Material girl in a material world.” So thank you for that.

    Melissa: Ryan actually did try to shoo Rex into the wild once, so at the very least he’s not a hypocrite.

  23. Christian says:

    I think Danica is referring to what the boy is wearing on his feet. lolol, Danica. Good call.

  24. Ryan says:

    Actually, I’m pretty sure Danica is referring to the white background, which is fog, surrounding the boy, and sapping his will to live. In Utah.

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