I once wrote a post in which I stated, “If you were plotting to kill me, you could just put a big black bomb like you see in cartoons on my doorstep with a note that says, ‘Light this if you want to hear some awesome animal facts.'” Here’s a two-step plan for killing me without ever appearing on one of my favorite TV shows, 48 Hours Murder Mystery:
1. Find out when I’m arriving at JFK on a red eye
2. Leave a loaded gun lying on the ground next to the taxi line.
I’ll take care of the rest.
Yes, I returned to New York this morning on a red eye. I’ve had a really bad head cold, and now thanks to my flight my ears are clogged to the point that I feel like I’m walking around with one of those old scuba helmets on, and the helmet is filled with Vaseline. It’s not all bad though: I can conclusively report that four hours of sleep on a crowded airplane can be scratched off the list of possible cures for the common cold. In fact, the only thing four hours of sleep on a crowded airplane does cure is one’s will to live.
So why take the red eye in the first place? Well, for starters, it’s always much cheaper. And when you fly to Utah for every US, Canadian, and Mexican holiday – would you want to be away from your family on Cinco de Mayo??? – shaving a few bucks off the cost of flying you, your wife, and your dog home always seems worth it. And yes, there is a cost for flying your dog. $100 each way, which buys you the privilege of holding a squirming dog for 4.5 hours.
Then there’s the issue of time. You think, “If I take the red eye, I am basically extending my trip by almost an entire day!! It’s a Cinco de Mayo miracle!!” The “you” who just took the red eye and is at work the same day after sleeping for 4 hours on a crowded plane wants to travel back in time and take the “you” who thought the red eye was a great idea and punch him in eyes until he starts bleeding, saying, “Your eyes are now red. With blood. Do you still like red eyes?”
There’s a whole lot else I’d like to say on the topics I’ve mentioned, but I’m just too tired, so I’ll do a quick summary:
Returning to New York after a visit to Utah: Terrible
Red eye flights in general: Awful
The particular red eye flight I took last night: Horrible
Cinco de Mayo: Awesome, but only if spent with family
48 Hours Murder Mystery: Amazing, although somewhat confusing, given that most people who commit murder do it because they want to get rid of their spouse, and I’ve never figured out why, when they’re staring at their list of options for getting rid of a spouse, and they’re down to two options that say “Divorce” and “Murder” they say, “Man, divorce can just really be messy and complicated. I’m going with Murder.”
Head colds: Really just a total nightmare. I feel like George Clooney totally jumped the gun with his Haiti telethon, because now it’s going to be difficult to get all the celebrities back together for the telethon for me and this head cold.
“Thank you so much for calling. The situation really couldn’t be more dire. We’re hoping to raise enough money to buy Davis some Nyquil, those expensive Kleenexes that don’t hurt your nose as much, and a handgun and some bullets, though we’re not sure why exactly he requested those.”