Well, it’s that time of year again. You know what I’m talking about. Let’s stop playing games and just call a spade a spade: The Bachelor is back, and we’re all pumped about it. Or at least we were, until we remembered that the Bachelor is a guy named Jake, who we know from the last season of The Bachelorette.
Jake always describes himself as a nice guy, and constantly whines about how girls don’t like nice guys and how nice guys always finish last. Jake, I’m going to level with you, not because I like you, but because unless you make some changes you’re going to ruin one of my favorite shows. It’s not your niceness that’s the problem. It’s your lameness that’s the problem. Girls actually really like nice guys. Just not lame ones.
Women are so stupid. They always pass over the lame guys in favor of the interesting ones, when every one knows the interesting ones are just going to treat them well and be nice to them, but also be interesting and not boring.
You want to know what one of my favorite things about The Bachelor is? I love how seriously the contestants take the show. Maybe Chris Harrison and the producers are in on the joke of how utterly absurd the entire enterprise is – although I’d really like to think that Chris takes it as seriously as he acts like he does – but the contestants don’t really seem to be. Nothing tickles me like hearing grown men and women utter phrases like “rose ceremony” and “one-on-one date” without a hint of a grin stealing across their faces. Indeed, these phrases are often spoken through tears. These people just have enormous respect for the process. Which is amazing, because it’s a process that couldn’t be more ridiculous.
My next favorite thing about The Bachelor is when they give a particular season a subtitle. For instance, because Jake is a pilot, they’ve entitled this season, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” I can’t get enough of the fact that they gave it that subtitle. It just makes me happy. But what makes me happier is that whenever there’s a particularly romantic moment, they play this song. Sometimes when they do that I think for a second that I’m watching TV in Bolivia.
Jake is inevitably going to send me home, and although I’ll be sad, I’ll cope by relying on my friends, my family, and my faith. And then I will find Jake, kill him, skin him, and wear him as a bathrobe.
I gave Jake a tip a little bit earlier, so now I’m going to give one to the ladies who are vying for his heart. And let’s be honest, the fact that these women are vying for his heart is a testament to the power of scarcity and the reality-distorting properties of television. There are absolutely no circumstances under which even one of these 25 women would be attracted to Jake in the real world. I’m not even sure they would be attracted to Jake in a post-apocalyptic Hobbesian nightmare world of anarchy and cannibalism. And yet, you put them in a bubble where the only other male is Chris Harrison and suddenly they think Jake is Don Ron de Baughman. I actually think some producer is missing a major opportunity to create a show where 25 gorgeous women in a mansion compete for the love of a 700 lb. man covered in goiters. I predict it would take about 3 hours before you’d hear one of them grumbling, “But Stephanie got to wash his bed sores yesterday!”
So, ladies, here’s my tip:
The less you press the Bachelor for assurance and closure, and the less you try to guilt him, the better. These tactics are annoying in real life and are generally ineffective. They are markedly less effective when a guy can glance over his shoulder during the guilt trip you’re giving him and see 24 girls waiting for him in a hot tub.
Davis Bell: Winds of Change