Onnnnnn the Wiinnnnnngs of Looooovvve

Well, it’s that time of year again. You know what I’m talking about. Let’s stop playing games and just call a spade a spade: The Bachelor is back, and we’re all pumped about it. Or at least we were, until we remembered that the Bachelor is a guy named Jake, who we know from the last season of The Bachelorette.

Jake always describes himself as a nice guy, and constantly whines about how girls don’t like nice guys and how nice guys always finish last. Jake, I’m going to level with you, not because I like you, but because unless you make some changes you’re going to ruin one of my favorite shows.  It’s not your niceness that’s the problem.  It’s your lameness that’s the problem.   Girls actually really like nice guys.  Just not lame ones.

jake-pavelka-picture
Women are so stupid.  They always pass over the lame guys in favor of the interesting ones, when every one knows the interesting ones are just going to treat them well and be nice to them, but also be interesting and not boring.

You want to know what one of my favorite things about The Bachelor is?  I love how seriously the contestants take the show.  Maybe Chris Harrison and the producers are in on the joke of how utterly absurd the entire enterprise  is – although I’d really like to think that Chris takes it as seriously as he acts like he does – but the contestants don’t really seem to be.  Nothing tickles me like hearing grown men and women utter phrases like “rose ceremony” and “one-on-one date” without a hint of a grin stealing across their faces.  Indeed, these phrases are often spoken through tears.  These people just have enormous respect for the process.  Which is amazing, because it’s a process that couldn’t be more ridiculous.

My next favorite thing about The Bachelor is when they give a particular season a subtitle.  For instance, because Jake is a pilot, they’ve entitled this season, “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.”  I can’t get enough of the fact that they gave it that subtitle.  It just makes me happy.  But what makes me happier is that whenever there’s a particularly romantic moment, they play this song.  Sometimes when they do that I think for a second that I’m watching TV in Bolivia.

vienna
Jake is inevitably going to send me home, and although I’ll be sad, I’ll cope by relying on my friends, my family, and my faith.  And then I will find Jake, kill him, skin him, and wear him as a bathrobe.

I gave Jake a tip a little bit earlier, so now I’m going to give one to the ladies who are vying for his heart.  And let’s be honest, the fact that these women are vying for his heart is a testament to the power of scarcity and the reality-distorting properties of television.  There are absolutely no circumstances under which even one of these 25 women would be attracted to Jake in the real world.  I’m not even sure they would be attracted to Jake in a post-apocalyptic Hobbesian nightmare world of anarchy and cannibalism.  And yet, you put them in a bubble where the only other male is Chris Harrison and suddenly they think Jake is Don Ron de Baughman.  I actually think some producer is missing a major opportunity to create a show where 25 gorgeous women in a mansion compete for the love of a 700 lb. man covered in goiters.  I predict it would take about 3 hours before you’d hear one of them grumbling, “But Stephanie got to wash his bed sores yesterday!”

So, ladies, here’s my tip:

The less you press the Bachelor for assurance and closure, and the less you try to guilt him, the better.  These tactics are annoying in real life and are generally ineffective.  They are markedly less effective when a guy can glance over his shoulder during the guilt trip you’re giving him and see 24 girls waiting for him in a hot tub.

Sincerely,

Davis Bell:  Winds of Change

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24 Responses to Onnnnnn the Wiinnnnnngs of Looooovvve

  1. Braden says:

    Don Ron de Baughman: Excellent, Dave.

  2. Ryan says:

    Thank you for putting up the link to that song. I love songs like this so much. I really feel like we lost something when we moved out of the late eighties and early nineties, something that can only be found now in dentists’ offices– the great archives of our sappy musical history.

    Anyway, good luck with the Bachelor this season. I found that when I watched it, it had a noticeable impact on my view of general humanity, and not for the good, so in the interest of not eventually committing genocide, I need to limit my viewing.

  3. Layne says:

    “Wear him as a bathrobe.” Goes well with the saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  4. Rebecca says:

    oh, i’ve been waiting for a post on DDDT about the bachelor. i couldn’t agree more about Jake being the nerd of a lifetime. i cringe at his facial expressions every time i watch. i fully expect him to break out an, “oh, gee” and laugh one of these days. Maybe they’d edit that out, though, to preserve some shred of manly dignity. he gives new meaning to the name, geekmonster. anyway, when that song first played when he and ali were in the helicopter, i literally fell out of my seat laughing. was this season just a big joke to make fun of some nerdy bachelor?? were all the producers laughing in the background? or, was it rozlyn’s lover-producer’s evil joke before he got the boot? anyway, i sing that song all the time now and now oliver (my 3 yr old) sings it too, including the crescendo in looooovvee.

  5. Rachel says:

    ***SPOILER ALERT***

    Not only does Vienna look like a cross-eyed Mr. Potato Head, she happens to be the last woman standing:

    http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2010/01/the-bachelor-spoilers-crew-member-scandal-faked-final-four-and-w/

  6. Katherine Lewis says:

    Man, no one says it like Davis, do they? These posts only make me miss you guys more. Sadly, I live in England, don’t have a TV, and am grateful to get a quick synopsis on this season’s bachelor. We can’t get a thing on Hulu. Bummer. Looks like we’re missing out. I miss the US of A!

  7. maweesa says:

    jake is a NERD BOMB.. it is true.. i think the worst part this season is the kissing and the fake smile and giggle he does after every one… UGH… even though i don’t even like him i canNOT stop watching… i’m not sure why…. one thing is for sure ron don should be the next bach….

  8. Norm says:

    The genius of The Bachelor (and it is pure genius) is that for the women it’s not about Jake or Matt or whoever, it’s all about the 24 other girls they are competing against which makes me believe your hypothetical show with gorgeous women vying for a 700 pound guy who wears wolf shirts isn’t too absurd after all.

  9. Macy Bell says:

    I have only watched one episode this season, and I could not believe the “lameness” of Jake. Wow! It happened to be the episode where one of the dates was the comedy club. It was painful. I cannot think of a worse idea for a group date like that.

  10. Erin says:

    I will chime in here. i partiualrly loved when Jake was sobbing on a girls shoulder prior to the seasonal bungee jump. He’s lame and he’s more girl than the rest of them. But, like Maweesa, I can’t stop.

  11. Christian says:

    Great post. Erin, the bungee jump scene was truly one of the strangest things I’ve seen on reality television.

  12. Davis says:

    Brade: Yes, I was kind of proud of that one.

    Ryan: Maybe people aren’t making music like that any more, or maybe we’re not attuned to it. Either way, it’s a shame.

    Layne: That aphorism is out of date. “Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t get a rose and didn’t even get a one-on-one date, who never even got a chance to get to know the Bachelor because on all of the group dates Tiffany would totally just jump on his back and wrestle with him and not let any of the girls get near him!!!!!”

    Rebecca: I wondered the same thing when they played that song. There’s no way that the producers are taking it seriously, and I doubt they think anyone else is, either. It’s sort of like the Jenga thing – they don’t believe it, and they don’t believe that we believe it, either.

    Katherine: That’s reason enough to move right there.

    Maweesa: I 100% agree. Ron, get on it.

    Norm: Yeah, I mean to make a bigger deal about that. It really is the herd mentality – “Hey, everyone else is running after something, I bet it must be good!” I really think there’s a TV show behind my idea with the guy with goiters.

    Macy: I missed that one, but I can imagine.

    Erin: Wait, when was that one? We’ve actually missed quite a few this season, mainly because we’ve been traveling, but also because we hate Jake. Jake is a crier. Remember when he cried on the balcony after ratting Wes out to Jillian?

    Kook: Now I need to see this episode.

  13. Rebecca says:

    oh, i TOTALLY forgot about the crying/bungee jump scene. it really was the oddest, most laughable thing I’ve seen on reality TV.

  14. James says:

    Any true pilot would have taken up the offer to land his plane on a perfectly sound landing strip and called it a season. Thanks for making us endure this crap for 8 more episodes. You should’ve just taken the Cambodian chick at her word and enjoyed eating her fish paste soup for the rest of your life!

  15. Andrea W. says:

    I admit I sometimes get sucked into this show, but I haven’t this season, I knew before it ever started I would be able to stomach Jake. I hope I’m finally complete immune to the power this particular franchise of reality tv has had on me.

  16. Katie says:

    I am routing for Ali. Even though she seems a little bratty, she is still my favorite. I have to admit, when I heard that Jake was the new Bachelor, I was totally disappointed…I mean he is Mormon without really being Mormon…the whole “golly geez” phrases were enough for me, but he is actually growing on me and I like his butt.

    Davis you will be happy to know that the real housewives of New Canaan have a pot of money on this show. At the opener we all put in 20 dollars in the pot and predicted the winners. Whoever guesses the right girl gets the money, and it is well over 400 dollars. Oh and we get together every Monday night to watch it…yes we take this stuff very seriously.

  17. Davis says:

    Hi Katie! I laughed really hard at your comment about Jake being Mormon without being Mormon. I remember when he first showed up on the The Bachelorette that I was certain he was Mormon. I’m happy not to have to claim him.’

    I love Ali, too, but I don’t really see them together. She can do much, much better. My wife thinks it’s coming down to Ali and Tenley and he’ll pick Tenley, who I think is a pretty good match for him.

  18. Christian says:

    You guys are wrong for wanting Ali to win. She was my fav at first, but now I think there’s something not quite right about her. I’m a Gia man myself. She seems really sweet and likable. Tenley seems pretty cool too.

    The blond girl from MD who was kicked off a week or two ago also seemed cool, though not super sweet. Like she would be the funnest to hang out with, but you wouldn’t want her as your wife when you had cancer.

  19. Katie says:

    Tenley’s voice is annoying…for that alone she should not win.

    Can you really see Gia and Jake together for the long run? I mean seriously…she is a underwear model from Manhattan who wears designer shoes camping…Gia is the type who would marry you and then cheat on you with some Italian guy.

    Face it, blondes always win.

    Is that how you spell blondes? Or is it blond’s?

    hmmmmmmmm, I will let my blond mind think about that…

  20. Katie says:

    Yup, just goggled it. It’s blondes.

  21. Christian says:

    Katie, your second to last comment was sent to spam folder for some reason. So without the preceding comment, I was scratching my head at your “Yup, just goggled it. It’s blondes” meant. I thought you were making fun of me for spelling blonde wrong, but didn’t want to bust you for spelling google wrong until all the facts were in. Good times with the spam filter.

    You make a great point about Gia and Jake seeming like a bad fit. But seriously, what girl is a good fit for him, besides an 85 year old deaf and mute Amish woman who like to fly? He is just such a major nerd. He and Andy from season whatever need to date.

    Rachel, your comment was sent to spam too because it had a link. I’m not reading it because I don’t want the Bachelor to be spoiled. It’s all I have in my life right now.

  22. Macy Bell says:

    I don’t get this description of Jake being a nerd?? Nerd doesn’t seem to fit his personality, in fact it gives him way too much personality. He is just a total zero in my mind, a major dud….from at least what I have seen.

  23. Christian says:

    Macy, that’s what I mean. You’re right. Dud is a better word for him.

  24. Troy says:

    We always find ourselves writhing in agony at the awkwardness of the Bachelor moments. Sometimes I’ll look over at Melissa to give her a sarcastic blank stare, or roll my eyes, or laugh, and she is already rubbing her eyes like she does when she’s embarassed for someone. It’s good fun. It makes us appreciate the normalness of our relationship. After last nights episode we had a fake conversation like we were on an awkward Bachelor date. We couldn’t stop laughing. I submit that the Bachelor actually bonds normal couples.

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