All the Leaves Are Brown

I really, really, really hate January. The only thing I hate more than January is February. These two months of the year seem disconnected from any of the fond associations or larger meanings the other months enjoy. March isn’t my favorite, but it’s a month where you can feel the first stirrings of spring, which is worth a lot. When you think about it, March is like a guy with back acne and a part-time job at Blockbuster who starts dating a girl who just divorced a guy who has back acne and a part-time job at Blockbuster, but who also spent all of his non-Blockbuster time playing World of Warcraft. If March came after, say, June, we’d think it was a pretty terrible month: dicey weather, no major holidays, with only March Madness to redeem it. But coming on the heels of January and February, March seems like 31 days of frolicking with unicorns made out of Twinkies – unicorns who are able to regenerate their Twinkie flesh when you take a bite out of them.

World of Warcraft? No way. After my shift at the ‘Buster, I’m taking my baby to Red Lobster.

Unlike March, April’s merits are absolute rather than simply relative, the chief of which is its association with winter’s unconditional surrender. And even though I’m long since done with college and graduate school, April still brings to mind the freedom I used to feel when finals were over and done with. When May’s name is mentioned I think of the month when warm starts turning into hot, when the outdoor things you do in April no longer seem like you’re pushing your luck, and when Memorial Day fires the happy pistol shot starting the sprint into summer.

You know how everyone you know has things you love about them and things you’re less fond of? This is also true of spring and summer, and June somehow combines all of the good of each without any of the bad. I just can’t think of one negative thing to say about June. I always felt the same way about July as I do June until I moved to the East Coast. While I still really love July, the fact of the matter is that July in Utah is measurably superior than July out here. First, there’s the matter of July 24th, which employers here don’t ever seem to recognize. Second, there’s the issue of humidity. Still, July 4th is hard to top for fun and tradition, and the entire month just smells like sunscreen.

No, that’s totally cool.  Your co-workers push for time off for Rosh Hashanah, but it’s not like we did anything noteworthy or difficult, so we don’t expect you to ask your boss off for a day to remember our sacrifice. It might be awkward for you to do that, and we really don’t want you to endure any awkwardness. Awkwardness is way worse than pushing a handcart 2,000 miles.

August is . . . fine. It smells like hot garbage in New York, but it’s warm and it’s summer, and that counts for something. September is one of my favorites. I’ve always loved Labor Day, even though it’s a little melancholy for a holiday, ringing in as it does the return to normalcy. Fortunately, the blow of summer’s departure is somewhat softened by the cooling of August’s heat and the return of college football. By the time October hits I’m itching to wear sweaters and blazers, and an East Coast fall makes up for not celebrating July 24th.

I don’t have terribly strong feelings about November, although I have a soft spot for Thanksgiving. One minor quibble: I think Thanksgiving should be on the 2nd Thursday in October. A two-day holiday makes for a great opportunity to take a trip, either home or elsewhere, but having that at the end of November comes too close to Christmas to make any sense. If Thanksgiving were in the middle of October, the big holidays would be a bit better spread out. Done and done. This brings us to December, and even though I’m no great fan of winter, I’m not immune to December’s many charms, which I won’t bother enumerating here.

All of this brings me back to my first point: what do January and February have going for them? What positive associations do they enjoy? I really can’t think of any. You have MLK Jr. Day and Presidents Day, and I really honestly believe they stuck those holidays in January and February just to keep the suicide rate down. The negative association column is a little more lengthy, though: freezing cold, gray mornings, darkness at 4 PM, snow that’s turned to slush and ice, inversion that makes a trip down I-15 feel like you’re Frodo carrying the ring to Mordor. I was going to propose that MLK Jr. Day and Presidents Day be scrapped and combined into one huge holiday at the end of January, but I’m thinking in bigger, bolder strokes now: Let’s cancel January and February altogether. The calendar now goes from December 31st to March 1st. So what do we do with the missing, nameless 59 days? We all stay home and play World of Warcraft and wait for March.

See you in March everybody!

This entry was posted in Holidays, Twinkies, Unicorns, Winter, World of Warcraft. Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to All the Leaves Are Brown

  1. Rachel says:

    ‘Buster dude doesn’t strike me as a Red Lobster kind of man…Golden Corral maybe?? Nope, nope….Denny’s.

  2. Maweesa says:

    january and february should be called reality tv months.. that’s all anyone does anyway… hibernate with the tube

  3. kaitlyn says:

    um hello valentine’s day. true it may be girlie, but it can be fun to celebrate love! plus it comes with loads of chocolate!

  4. Layne says:

    Davis, the remedy is to buy some skis and use them. I once shared your same perspective, but that has all changed now that skiing is in my life.

    From the skier’s perspective, I quite like January and February. In fact, I like February more than January because the days are longer so pre-work and post-work skiing is easily done. I wish August were more like February. It would be a nice change from sweating all the time.

    Also, now American Idol is back on, so that is another plus!

  5. Troy says:

    In your “family planning”, you should consider throwing in a Jan/Feb birthday. A birthday party helps break it up a little. Plus the kid will be able to date during their sophomore year of high school, and maybe have a chance of sprouting some armpit hair before they graduate…both things you missed out on.

  6. Ryan says:

    Well-written post. I would normally agree with your analysis, but your timing is just bad. Don’t you realize that Lost begins tonight? I would live through a thousand Februaries to get to this night.

    *Fade to . . . WHITE!*

  7. Christian says:

    Boy is that the truth. The great think about abq is the sky is always blue and the sun always shining, even in jan and feb. But they are still bleak months. Someday I want to be rich and spend those months in hawaii

  8. Andrea W. says:

    That idiot groundhog just saw his shadow.

  9. Macy Bell says:

    Escape to Mexico. That is what we are doing tomorrow!!! Can’t wait to get out of here.

  10. East of Eden says:

    Brilliant! Just Brilliant! I have to say though, I start feeling hope in February, at least the snow doesn’t stick…as much. And to ease our pain, we’re having George Washington’s brirthday — a party with food and people, just because we need it!

  11. Maweesa says:

    you’re going to mexico?? jealous! we would be going except we have to use all of our vacation time to visit utah.

  12. Davis says:

    Rachel: If he’s going out just for a good dinner, he’s headed to Denny’s. But for a special night with a special lady, he’s hitting the Lobster.

    Maweesa: Don’t forge Super Mario Brothers.

    Kaitlin: Just when I thought the list of things I dislike about February couldn’t get any longer . . .

    Layne: That’s a fair point. Unfortunately, I live in New York.

    Troy: I’ve heard of far worse reasons to have a kid.

    Ryan: That’s a good point, and one I forgot to mention. January/February do bring with them some good TV.

    Kook: And by someday you mean today. That’s the time frame I’m thinking.

    Andrea: I’m going to cook and eat Phil.

    Macy: That’s a good plan. Better than our plan of going to Utah in January.

    East of Eden: That’s a pretty good idea. I’m going to celebrate George’s birthday with a party, and a Cinnabon.

  13. Elizabeth says:

    Don’t have a child in January. That’s what my parents did to me and I have never forgiven them for it. It doesn’t break up the month – it only makes it less fun to celebrate the birthday.

    Macy and Ryan have the right idea. Have a great time you guys. Your winters will never be the same.

  14. Rebecca says:

    “…inversion that makes a trip down I-15 feel like you’re Frodo carrying the ring to Mordor.” Could’nt have said it better myself. i’m with you on the jan. and feb. thing. it seems like it’s all i can do to survive those months and i don’t even had seasonal affective disorder (or maybe i do and i never knew it before because i was a tan-orexic all year round).

  15. Macy Bell says:

    That last picture is so depressing. Geez.

  16. Layne says:

    Actually, according to Wikipedia, New York has 23 ski resorts compared to 13 in Utah. The size and quality surely aren’t as good as UT’s, but there are alot of areas at least. When you are in your winter doldrums in NY, why not give it a look? I’d be curious to know what skiing is like in NY. Who knows, it could give you more fodder for DDDT while you’re trying to do a backscratcher off a icy jump in old ski gear.

    So there you go.

  17. Danica says:

    Oh man, rolling.

  18. Ben Pratt says:

    January in Seattle this year wore a pretty convincing April disguise, thanks to the power of El Niño. This was good, because 50º F rainy weather really is much better than 40º F rainy weather.

  19. grant says:

    You know that canadians do celebrate Thanksgiving in October, right? Maybe employers will be a bit more sympathetic to Canadian Thanksgiving that they are to handcarting. Think about how awsome this would be: Thanksgiving, Halloween, Thanksgiving (Again!), then Christmas.

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