We here at DDDT, and you, and the rest of America, have felt a deep loss since Jay Leno closed down his show the other night. Don’t get all panicky- he’ll be back (unlike that rangy Irishman that makes grandma feel uncomfortable). He’s just taking a few weeks off to head back to his old digs at the Tonight Show and reclaim his rightful place at the show that was so brutally ripped from his hands.
There are two problems with Jay being gone. The first is that Jay’s gone– don’t overlook that. But the second is that we don’t have the jokes. Jay’s jokes are out of our lives for two long weeks. But the headlines will keep coming. And no one to turn them into jokes. So we put our heads together and we decided that we’d write some Jay Leno jokes for you to laugh and laugh and laugh at while we wait for Jay to come back. Who can write Jay Leno jokes? Professionals, that’s who. Professionals and koalas and toll booth operators. And the people who write the jokes for popsicle sticks and You Can’t Do That On Television. We don’t want to completely give away the secrets, but if you have a newspaper and a working knowledge of embarrassing celebrity mishaps from around three or four years ago, you’re cooking. Anyway, without further ado . . . here are your two weeks’ supply of Jay Leno jokes, usefully arranged according to timely and newsy topic areas:
On Michelle Obama’s War on Childhood Obesity:
So the First Lady has reportedly declared a war on obesity in young people. Have you heard about this? Kind of makes you wish she’d been around when Monica was hanging out in the White House, huh?
Apparently Michelle Obama has declared a war on childhood obesity. NBC is trying to support the First Lady by developing a reality show on the topic called, “The Littlest Biggest Loser.”
So did you hear about Michelle Obama declaring war on childhood obesity? That right, that’s right. Ya, so she says whichever kid loses the most weight gets to have lunch with Kirstie Allie at Karl’s Jr.
On Vancouver’s Snow Shortage Problems:
So Vancouver is worried about not having any snow for the Olympics. You’ve heard about that? And now it’s being suggested that the venue be changed to a place with plenty of snow and people willing to compete in anything for money and glory. So they’re looking at Washington D.C.
So I’ve been reading that they’re actually transporting snow in to Vancouver for the Olympics, because they haven’t had enough snow there. Why is that a big deal? People in LA have been transporting white powder here for decades now!
So Vancouver, the site of the Winter Olympics, is short on snow, while Washington, D.C. is getting snow by the foot. They were thinking about moving the games to D.C., but the Olympians were too afraid of getting mugged. By Congress.
On Apple’s New iPad:
So Apple has developed a new handheld computer called the iPad. You can use it to listen to music, surf the Internet, and fund Steve Jobs’ gold-plated sink fixtures.
It looks like Apple has this new device now, have you seen this? It’s this flat-panel computer that will play all your music and run all your “apps” and stuff, and they’re calling it the iPad. And I’m thinking, wouldn’t it be cool if they could make that thing even smaller, so it would fit in the palm of your hand? Can you imagine what that would be like?
So Apple announced it’s new tablet computer, the…iPad. Yes, you heard me right. And next year they are coming out with a bathroom reader called the iPoo.
On the Winter Olympics:
Well, the Winter Olympics are almost here, and they’ve instituted a new event just for politicians. It’s called “robsledding.”
So the Winter Olympics will be in Canada this year, folks. Good for them, yeah, good for them. I understand there’s a big scandal now, because instead of handing out the condoms at the Olympic Village, they’re handing out earmuffs!
Well, the Winter Olympics are here and the Germans are expected to do quite well. But I don’t know, I always say I would rather see my country embarrassed by a bunch of 250 pound German women than by 9 year old Chinese girls.
On the Saints Winning the Superbowl:
And congratulations to the Saints, by the way. Oh, we got some people from New Orleans here, huh? Where are you? Well, congratulations to you sir. And this is your first championship in 45 years, am I right? Well, watch yourself in that town–you know, Katrina only lasted a few days, but you’re going to have Kim Kardashian forever!
Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning their first Super Bowl. The Colts were strong in the first and second quarter, but the Saints dominated in the third, fourth, and French quarters.
Well, of course the Saints won the Superbowl last Sunday. When asked what motivated them win they said Katrina. What, hurricane Katrina? No, no, the bar Katrina’s promised free shots if we won.
On Ellen Degeneres Joining American Idol:
Did you see that Ellen DeGeneres is the new judge on American Idol? They said she was the only woman in show business nicer than Paula Abdul. Which means when Simon leaves the only person who will be able to replace him is Satan.
I’m sure you saw Ellen Degeneres as the new judge on American Idol the other night. Ya, I guess the producers simply told Simon to find someone who could sing and dance better than Paula.
American Idol is back. Very nice. Glad to see it. They’ve got a new judge now. Yes, Ellen DeGeneres has joined the show. Very exciting. They actually asked me to do it, but they ended up deciding they want someone who can actually generate some sexual tension with Kara Dioguardi!
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