Tenley, We Hardly Knew Ye

bachelor-tenley1

Going through this season with Jake, watching him court and sift through 25 women, and seeing him zero in on and fall for Vienna gives me an idea of the sick feeling a parent must get when their child brings home a goth they met on Second Life and says they are engaged. It’s a very painful thing to watch. I don’t really have anything against Vienna. I just don’t think she’s right for our Jake. But what can we do? Nothing. We just have to trust his judgement and hope for the best, I guess.

A few thoughts:

I wonder if they’ll really get married? If you think about it, the Bachelor and Bachelorette really have a pretty lousy track record of lasting relationships. Out of the 19 previous seasons, there have only been 2 marriages (including the coming marriage of Sneaky Jason to Molly). Although in fairness, if I had Chris Harrison directing my life, and was living on St. Lucia and eating fruit and flying around in helicopters you could get me to propose to Wanda Sykes herself, so maybe we can’t blame them for feeling something that doesn’t really last.

Ali’s the next Bachelorette?  BOOOOOOO!

I’m surprised at how blown away all of these women are to find a generally upstanding guy who won’t steal their cat or poison their grandmother for inheritance money. Is there really a complete global drought of good guys in the world? And it’s not just the Bachelor women, I often hear real women talk about the impossibility of finding a decent guy, like every single bachelor out there is Mike The Situation. I feel like I personally know a couple hundred guys like Jake, but they also have compelling personalities. Seriously ladies (especially any non-Mormon ladies, if any read this blog), I want to know, so tell me.

Tenley’s a sweetheart and I want her to marry Prince William or Harry because I think she deserves to be a real princess. Tenley, I hope you never give up on love.

“Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance”

Boy, Chris Harrison is just the consummate pro, isn’t he? I about died when Rozlyn threw that seedy allegation at him last week in “The Women Tell All,” and he didn’t miss a beat. It’s like Pat Sajak and Jackie O. had a son and they named him Chris Harrison. That man is worth every penny.

Your thoughts?

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27 Responses to Tenley, We Hardly Knew Ye

  1. kaitlyn says:

    ditto. times 10 to every single word. watching the finale last night was like watching someone run over a puppy. but how about when tenly totally called jake out about it being unfair to propose to Vienna if he’d had such almost complete feelings for her BOO-YAH TENLY!

  2. Natalie says:

    Sneaky Jason and Steel Wool Molly filmed their wedding last weekend and it RAINED. THE. WHOLE. TIME. (http://tinyurl.com/likerainonyourweddingday : I had a friend who worked the event) Coincidence? Or proof that Heaven does not smile kindly on the Bachelor/ette love model?

  3. Davis says:

    I have so, so many thoughts.

    1. You’re lucky your posting day fell on the day after the finale. I had this post 75% written in my head and was silently praying we’d have a window washing-related post out of you today.
    2. I have long known that any girl who says, “I never really get along with other girls, they’re so catty and mean,” is actually saying “Stay at least 300 feet away from me. I am crazy and will ruin your life.”
    3. As a society, let’s dispense with people getting away with saying “I’m just brutally honest” and pretending that’s some sort of virtue, as if they’re the only people who have enough integrity to call a spade a spade. Granted, nobody should say mean things behind other people’s backs, but that’s not the only alternative to “brutal honesty,” and to be honest, if we’re ranking vices, I think talking behind someone’s back is preferable to being “brutally honest.” Being “brutally honest” means “I never really learned how to be tactful, diplomatic, or kind and I’ve couched these weaknesses as virtues. I am a nightmare.”
    4. Tenley: You are America’s sweetheart. Last night I wanted you to walk through our door and vent and cry as we ate ice cream together and talked about how lame Jake is. And here’s the thing: as dismayed as I am by the fact that Jake chose Vienna over you, I was actually glad he did. Yes, it pained me to see you heartbroken and distraught – I felt like I was watching someone torture a puppy – but in the final analysis you can do much, much, much (to the 100th power) better than Jake. You can find a guy who is decent but who is also not lame.
    5. I’m not sorry Jake chose Vienna; they deserve each other. But the question remains: What does he find so appealing about her? She is bratty, catty, needy, selfish, and – it must be said – wildly unattractive. What gives? My theory: Jake is a five alarm nerd bomb. I honestly wonder whether he’s ever even had a girlfriend, and I know for certain he didn’t during his formative years. In fact, I’m sure he was made fun of by girls like Vienna. He probably asked a Vienna-like girl at his high school to dance, and she pantsed him in front of all her friends, and it scarred him for life. Thus, to finally win the approval and love of a girl like Vienna satisfies some deep need in him. He finally gets the mean girl. That’s all I’ve got America.
    6. Prediction: they won’t marry. They won’t even last 12 months. Once they’re out of the Bachelor bubble, they’re donesville.
    7. Kook, why aren’t you in to Ali as the Bachelorette? I think she’ll be great. And I’m 100% convinced the whole problem with her job is made up. They pulled her aside and said, “If you go home right now, we’ll make you the Bachelorette.” Being the smart gal she is, she took them up on it.
    8. And yeah, Kook, I’m shocked by how many women think there aren’t decent dudes out there. Gia in particular seems to have suffered at the hands of some real losers, which I guess is unsurprising given that she’s a hot Italian girl from New York.

  4. Davis says:

    Natalie, proof that the stunt Jason pulled on Melissa vaulted him into the pantheon of villains alongside Hitler and Veronica from the Real World.

  5. Eliza says:

    I know chris, I was in complete shock and just totally sickened. The thing i don’t get is how like davis said, she just is so unattractive, if she were a hottie boom a lottie I could maybe justify Jake being such a horndog for her, but really Jake? gross fake blonde hair, with a big nose and too close together of eyes? sorry to be so hard on her, but man, if her personality was redeeming, I wouldn’t have to go there.

    I agree how sad it is that these girls have never encountered a “nice guy”, seriously, cheating on Tenley, what kind of person did she marry?

    I’m with you on booing Ali. I totally liked her at first, but her vendetta against Vienna (how is that for an alliteration) was so immature, snotty, manipulative, and just mean. not a fan of her anymore.

    lol davis to your description of jake being pantsed by a vienna type girl. so funny and seriously you might be right, there could be no other reason?

  6. Rachel says:

    Three Questions a Piece:
    Jake:
    1. Why have you had the same haircut since high school?
    2. Why do you wear 1984 laser-themed ties?
    3. Do you not see that Vienna’s family has “swamp skanks” written all over them?

    Vienna:
    1. Was it hard to keep your eyes from crossing during filming?
    2. Why did you wear the dress from your 1984 prom to “After the Final Rose”?
    3. Would you except a donation to get high quality extensions…please?

    Ali: (you get 4 questions, you lucky girl)
    1. So, your job is no longer a problem?
    2. 50 guys, really?
    3. Will you please not boo-hoo the entire season? I won’t be able to watch and I really want to.
    4. Why did you have to take what should have been given to Gia?

  7. Eliza says:

    I forgot to mention one thing. How great and seriously hilarious was the “on the wings of love” video montage? whoa, that song just does not get old, especially when it shows make-out sessions with vienna. I seriously was laughing soooo hard when it did that, its such a perfect cheeseball soundtrack for Jake.

    and agreed Rachel about his tie, all of them have been AWFUL. I once did a paper on how you can tell what a guy is like by the ties he wears, and jake’s exactly fits him.

  8. Troy says:

    Dang all you early commenters, all the funnies have already been said now. Eliza coming out strong this morning! Davis doing an excellent post disguised as a comment. Kook with the fortunate timing to get it all started. I love it all.

    Jake: Have fun finding out that the guy Vienna eloped with was her dad. “He was heartbroken…he was disappointed”. Yeah, he was disappointed it only lasted 3 weeks. The whole ring from her dad thing didn’t tip you off at all? Nevermind that, the whole visit to the motorcycle shed didn’t tip you off at all? In all seriousness, I don’t think you could have picked a weirder family to marry into. Except maybe Gia’s.

    Speaking of Gia…Natalie you mentioned she should have been picked to be the next Bachelorette. She belongs on a show, but that show is Jersey Shore.

    Who’s more pro: Ryan Seacrest or Chris Harrison?

    By the way, because I directly interact with The Bachelor’s core target market on a daily basis (18-55 year old women who work in dental offices) I knew the ending like 2 weeks ago. One of my clients spoiled it for me. I guess there was a leak from production and she was privvy to the info. It was interesting to watch while knowing the outcome. I have to admit I felt privileged to be an insider.

    Does anybody have a song antidote for “On the Wings of Love?” My wife and I have been cursed since last night. Humming, singing, harmonizing duets…it’s gotta go. It will take the right song to wash the slate clean.

  9. Wade says:

    Two things.

    1. Major props to the producers who played a little joke on Jake’s big finale by playing “On the Wings of Love*” as the [ahem] happy couple rode off into the sunset. Epic. subtle. moment.

    2. And then, AND THEN they even made our happy couple dance awkwardly while Mr. Osborne sang to them live on the after-show. Epic in your face moment.

    *I know, I know, it was the title of the show, but really. Had Jake 1/2 a brain and picked Tenley, would they have cheapened it with that cheesy lameness? I think not. Two thumbs up to whomever made that decision.

  10. Davis says:

    Troy,

    I totally forgot to mention the weird Dad thing with Vienna. So creepy. And it totally reminded me of a wedding reception we both attended. You know which one I’m talking about.

    Seacrest by a mile.

    Eliza,

    That tie literally elicited gasps of horror from the crowd we watched with. And it just didn’t get better than that serenade/slow dance in front of a studio audience.

  11. Davis says:

    Oh, and Troy: there is no antidote. No cure. No palliative, even. That song is terminal.

  12. Macy Bell says:

    Wow, this blog really brings it out for the Bach.

    Guys, Chris Harrison is D list at best. He is so annoying. He is not even in the same ballpark as Seacrest. When the Bach is over he is so OVER.

  13. Christian says:

    Kaitlyn, agreed. Good for Tenley. My favorite thing about this season was Jake telling all the girls (from the time there were 5 of them, on) that he had fallen in love with each and every one of them. And he said this as if it was supposed to make them feel great about themselves. What a joker.

    Natalie, word on the street is that Melissa Rycroft (who is now wealthy from all her new gigs) paid a few pilots to seed the clouds above Molly and Jason’s wedding. Good for her, I say.

    Davis, thanks for posting. I had a cold last night and knew I was missing some good material, so I appreciate you picking up the slack. And you make a good point: Jake and Vienna do deserve each other. I was Ali’s biggest fan at the beginning but her brattiness and pettiness toward Vienna, then her huge drama-rama over her job just drove me crazy. Introcuding Jake to her Grandmother’s spirit in her old house didn’t help either.

    Eliza, you described my thoughts about Vienna perfectly. I lied when I said I don’t have anything against her. I do. It was simply too late at night to be mean.

    Rachel and Troy, you guys both get the joke of the year award for “Swamp Skanks” and “Vienna eloping with her Dad.” lolololol

    Wade, I had the same thoughts. So awesome they had Mr. Osbourne there to sing that song and that they made them dance. I think that Chris Harrison really thinks Jake is a major dud and likes to make him suffer.

    Macy, I agree that Seacrest blow Chris Harrison away. I was mostly joking about Chris Harrison’s corny seriousness, although there is something diplomatic about him that I half admire and half think is funny and over the top.

  14. Rachel says:

    Troy- I hate to be the last one to inform you, but everyone and their brother knew it was Vienna weeks ago. A simple google search would have granted you the answer.

    Am I the only one who thinks that Chris Harrison has the BEST job in America?? He gets to peek in and secretly make fun of all of the insane, boring, volatile, psycho (ie Michelle), dramatic, and ridiculously love-stricken people that go on that show. Can you imagine the chats/laugh-fests he has with his wife when he goes home at night? And, then he gets to go back the next day and pretend like he’s not laughing at all of it- the thought of that just makes me smile. All the while, he gets to go on exotic vacations all around the world. I’d trade with him.

  15. Rebecca says:

    wow- swamp skank is perfect. i was calling them trailer trash, but swamp skank is much, much better. troy- you are freaking hilarious. it had never even occurred to me that vienna had eloped with her dad. but, it DOES make perfect sense. did you notice the look of stupid jealousy across his face when he “accidentally” walked in on them making out?
    ali’s annoyingness is only trumped by vienna’s in this season’s bachelor. as far as I’m concerned, she’s just one level above swamp skank. gross.

  16. Candice says:

    My name is Candice and I love Conan and The Bachelor. This is a blog after my own heart.

    Amen Rebecca. Ali has the looks that make the viewers at home think she is normal and approachable. It comforts them to know that a “sort of pretty at the right camera angles” girl who doesn’t own a hair brush could make it so far in the ABC/Bachelor world (think Molly). This average exterior somehow trumped her pathetic acting skills, her drunken sob fest, and her jealous rage. Step aside Snooky.

  17. maweesa says:

    candice, reba.. you should be ashamed.. i like ali and i think she’ll be a fun bach… her one downfall is never doing her hair, but neither do i, so that makes me like her even more…

  18. Christian says:

    Candice Helm (married name)!!! It makes me happy to think about the Helms again and all the good times. And I share your feelings about Conan. How in the world can people choose Conan over Leno? That has to be a sign of the times. And not a good one, if you know what I mean.

    Reba, ditto. She’s a Bay Skank, which is just a snobbier version of a Swamp Skank.

    Maweesa, Ali proved herself to be really annoying at the end of the show. If you can’t admit that, I don’t know what to do for you, besides revoking your commenting privileges for a couple months to give you some time to think about what you’ve said here.

  19. Kerstin Bean says:

    I want to ask Jake the same question he asked America in Season Jillian. Why do the girls always want the bad boys? (shedding a few tears and a pity party all the while) Jakie boy answer your own question- you did the same exact thing. Why do you want the Hooters Tooters girl?

  20. Kerstin Bean says:

    Oh and kind of bugged that Ali all of a sudden decided to apologize about her Vienna remarks on the Women Tell All. Timing coincidence? I don’t think so. I think she knew she was going to be the Bachelorette and was making a PR move. So not authentic.

  21. Christian says:

    Kerstin, that is such a great point and I can’t believe I didn’t realize it. Jake made such a huge, whiny deal about girls not picking the nice guy. But then he picks a swamp skank over a Disney Princess???!!!

    Also, so true about Ali. I’m getting more and more bugged about her as the conversation goes on. And someone else made the point about how her job was a problem when she had a couple weeks left on the show, but now it isn’t a problem for her to spend a couple months as the Bachelorette. Give me a break, Ali.

  22. Davis says:

    Kook, the job thing was clearly a facade. The producers recognized that Ali would be a good Bachelorette, so they couldn’t risk Jake picking her. They pulled her aside, said, “Hey, if you’ll leave we’ll give you the Bachelorette,” and then they had to intent a pretext for her early departure. I am positive.

  23. jana says:

    every season i swear to myself i won’t watch another and then i always end up watching. i’m not even sure why i did this season with nerd face jake. and vienna?? originally i thought she had a weird name, then i thought maybe her parents were doing something romantic like naming her after the place they fell in love. then i saw her hometown date and realized they probably just really love vienna sausages. i’m glad he didn’t chose tenley. probably not the best idea to marry the first man you date(?) after your divorce. i thought ali was cute but i’m ready for a new face. oh there’s so much more to say…

  24. Rebecca says:

    i read on a gossip mag this week that vienna’s parents got her name by combining their names (i can’t remember which mag or what her parents names are, maybe vivian and brian or something). c-r-a-z-y.

  25. Christian says:

    Jana, I do the exact same thing. I think this time I’m just going to tell myself “you know what dude, honestly I will probably watch it next season, and probably after that, and that’s ok.”
    Named after viena sausages. lol. I hope so.

    Reba, I actually like that idea and vote that our next baby Chribeca (pronouned like Tribecca)

  26. Petra says:

    Okay, I don’t even watch The Bachelor, and I’ve been a lurker on this site for a while now, but I just have to break out of my lurking to say that I work at the same company as Ali and she wasn’t faking it about her job–she had used up all her PTO on the fliming, and her department gave her the choice to return now or quit. With the Bachelorette option, though, she’s just quit. (I can’t say whether she knew when she chose to return to work that she’d have a chance to be the Bachelorette. Still.)

  27. Christian says:

    Petra, I want to thank you for making DDDT a place where news is broken. Drudge broke Monica and Bill and DDDT broke Ali’s work situation. I love having the inside scoop. I had wondered if she quit her job to do the Bachelorette (despite Davis betting his firstborn that the whole things was scam). I suspect ABC gives them a healthy living allowance that a regular person could live off for a while even after the show ended. Not to mention all the other ways reality stars make money these days. Anybody know what sort of compensation they get?

    Don’t be a stranger, Petra.

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