Hu’s IN First

We have always said that when we run out of things to blog about (projected date somewhere in early June, 2010), we will transition DDDT into a site where we post funny reader-generated pictures of their pets with equally funny captions, specializing in the neglected reptilian and ferret markets. Until then, you get yet another Asian-themed post from me.

panda 1

Have you seen this video yet (you really only need to watch the first 45 seconds)?

I like these types of statistics, and I particularly like the ones about China and what an unbelievably, incredibly, insanely humongous population it has. We have seen a proliferation of these statistics in the last few years. Of course the undertone to all this isn’t “Wow, China’s huge. That’s cool and interesting.” but rather “America has another 3 or 4 good years, so get handy with your chopsticks and ditch the Free Tibet bumper sticker, bub.”

So here’s the deal. We’re going to have a little contest to see who can create the best Scary China statistic. The winner will win any candy bar of their choosing with my signature on the wrapper (I will mail anywhere in the contiguous U.S. Also, the candy bar you choose must be available in regular American grocery store, and not some hand-spun by Uruguayan spider monkey orphans dark chocolate bar only available in your San Francisco Whole Foods). Also we will be able to compile the best few and try to make money off them. I’m not sure how yet, but one idea is to take out an ad in AARP magazine where we share these statistics and a phone number where people over 80 can call in to buy Chinese Invasion Insurance or Sean Hannity t-shirts or something like that.

Let me get you started:

China is so big that the vomit of all the people there with the flu on an average day would fill 4 of the 5 Great Lakes.

If every person in China jumped up off the ground at the exact same second, the simultaneous landing would throw off Earth’s orbit enough to make it “spaceborne” in space, eventually putting it into a different solar system.

China has more window cleaners than the U.S. has windows. And windmills.

If all the people of China were crammed into the U.S., they would be stacked on each others shoulders 6 people high.

There are more man eating tigers in China than there are men for them to eat in the U.S.

Satellite pictures of the Earth taken 25 years ago show China as green, while pictures taken today show China as solid black, since no ground can be seen between the tops of heads.

If Brad Pitt is the coolest American, statistically there are 37 million Chinese cooler than him.

Don’t be shy (even you lurkers); submit one, or as many as you want (nothing even remotely racist, please). I really will send the candy bar.

Polls close midnight Monday.

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18 Responses to Hu’s IN First

  1. Skipper Skew says:

    35% of all statistics are about China.

    90% of China statistics are adapted “your-mama’s-so-fat” jokes.

    Humans are more likely to have the last name of Wong than all other surnames combined.

    The total African GDP = Chinese foreign investment – bribes

    In the time it took you to read this statistic 100 American companies were bought by Chinese investors.

    That’s all it got for now, more to follow . . .

  2. Katie Sherman says:

    Ok. So I usually never comment but your bribe is so worth it to me. My family and I live in graduate family housing and here you are pretty much either Chinese or LDS. My statistics are more like daily observations.

    99.8 % of Chinese people do not buy fertilizer from Lowe’s, they make their own if you know what I mean. It is not uncommon to see a Chinese child dancing around while outside playing and their grandmother sends them to the garden to “fertilize”. Also, Chinese gardens are 100% better than Mormon gardens.

    50% of the time Chinese elders walk around frontwards and the other 50% backwards. I don’t know what the reasoning is for this but I have tried walking backwards and it is quite therapeudic.

    100% of Chinese people DO NOT know how to drive in the snow. I do love helping them get their Honda Civics out of impossible snow situations because they are always 100% grateful to me.

    65% of Chinese people hand out gross “candy” to Halloween trick or treaters, the other 35% hand out eggs. OK? Not hard boiled eggs but just regular eggs right out of the refrigerator.

    BTW, I truly appreciate this blog. I just discovered it and the stories and opinions shared make me happy! Coming out of the grey, cold winter here in Western New York I am usually not very happy even somewhat depressed. So this little blog is my sunshine. I just wanted to say thanks cause I am nice like that.

  3. Ryan says:

    Every drop of water on the earth has been drunk at least once by a Chinese person.

    For every person in the United States, there is an officer in the Chinese army.

    The combined yearly output of every Chinese restaurant in the United States would feed China for 2.3 days.

    China’s population is the only population that can be viewed from outer space.

    By the way, I love the stat in the video about how “the 25% of India’s population with the highest IQ is greater than the entire population of the United States.” One of the funniest stats ever. You just take the simple fact that India’s population is more than four times larger than America’s, and voila! you’ve got stats! Try it: “the 25% of India’s population with the stinkiest feet is greater than the ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES!” “The stupidest 25% of India’s population is greater than the ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES!” “The 25% of India’s population that most favors bombing the United States is greater than the ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES!” “The 25% of India’s population that most favors becoming an American colony is greater than the ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES.”

    Turns out that when you do the math, every single segment of 25% of India’s population still ends up greater than the population of the United States. That’s the most amazing stat of all.

  4. Ben Pratt says:

    [lame physics note: imagine you are in outer space far from any star, and you have are standing inside a huge rubber band. By reaching your hands high above your head you stretch it out with your feet and hands, and then you pull your hands and feet back in and allow the rubber band to contract again. This is kinda equivalent to the Jumping-Chinese-Population method of space travel you invented above, in that it gets you no where because the jump slightly moves the earth and population apart, but then gravity pulls them right back together in the same spot. But 87% of all rubber bands are made in China.]

    There are 72,000,000x as many English-speaking Chinese-made toys as there are English-speaking US-made toys, so 99% of your children already speak Chinglish.

    The loan payment made by the United States government to China every month is approximately 7x the amount of money you (really, I mean YOU) can shake a stick at, and at least 84x the amount of money you can sneeze at.

    There are 5x as many Chinese-government-trained computer hackers as there are computers in the US.

  5. Ben Pratt says:

    er, sorry about the extra “have,” and the roving addressee of my comment. First paragraph it’s Christian, in the others it’s the Reader.

  6. Ryan says:

    By the way, awesome title for this post.

    (And awesome physics note too, Ben)

  7. Troy says:

    Do we get more points for incredible real statistics or funny fake ones?

    The real ones are sobering:

    China has three times as many abortions every year than the US has births (13 million vs 4.3 million)

    During the period of 1990 to 2005 Chinese export to the United States increased 1,600 percent. Thats 16 times more exports in only 16 years. It is the number one exporter to the US.

    The United States has a $202 billion annual trade deficit with China. That is basically $202,000,000,000 of American wealth that is shipped over to China every year (and each year the trade deficit grows). In one year, $18 billion of that $202 billion is exported to Wal-Mart alone.

    Sorry for the buzzkill. Here are some fake ones:

    The Mandarin Restaurant in Bountiful, UT, is the best Chinese restaurant in the whole wide world. It is owned and operated by a Greek.

    100% of fortune cookie messages actually come true. Somewhere, sometime, with someone.

    Since Chinese officials have mandated air-conditioning in factories, the number of sweatshops has decreased 75%. The remaining sweatshops have complied, but they have swamp coolers instead of central air.

    There are more so-called counterfeit goods made in China than so-called brand-name goods elsewhere. So, really, who are the counterfeiters here?

    The maximum quota has been reached for Chinese Proverbs, there simply isn’t room for any more. New ones added will be called Chinese Aphorisms.

  8. kaitlyn says:

    hahahahaha. all very funny! this post= joy!

    Ben: i like the physics note:)

  9. Davis says:

    For every mosquito in America there are 7 people in China.

    Chinese people are able to connect a lock of their hair to animals and trees and communicate with them, achieving perfect oneness with nature.

    If every man, woman, and child in China jumped up and landed at the exact same time the force released would be equivalent to 1.3 billion people jumping up and landing at the exact same time.

  10. Wade says:

    There are three times as many math and science teachers in China as there are students in the U.S.

    In 2010, China will produce more cars than the U.S. has produced since the invention of the automobile.

    In only 18 months, chinese babies will produce enough soiled diapers to fill up a landfill the size of Rhode Island. By 2035 a Rhode Island land fill will be needed every 12 months.

    If engineers were build a bunkbed high enough to sleep every person in china, it would reach 1/2 way to the moon. It would reach the moon by 2035.

    10% of the worlds fresh water currently resides in sewers in China.

  11. Staniel P says:

    If every Chinese person was the size of Yao Ming, the current Chinese population would fill every inch of land space in the eastern hemisphere.
    In 2035, every Chinese person will be the size of Yoa Ming AND the population will triple . . .

  12. Braden Bell says:

    Very funny everyone. I’m not even going to try but I enjoyed reading them all.

  13. Christian says:

    Wow, you guys done went and raised the bar in this biznitch. Mine were lame. Great job, team.

    First time commenters, Katie and Staniel, welcome!

    Katie, this has been a particularly depressing winter for me as well and I’ve had a couple things that have helped me break on through to the other side, so the thought of DDDT being one of those things to you is, well, it’s an honor. I don’t know how else to say it.

    Staniel, what the hud, bro? Or should I say Dr. Staniel? Good to hear from you man. Don’t be a stranger, and tell the fam (yes, I remember both their names but don’t want to say them publicly because we have quite a few shady readers I don’t trust with anything) I say hi.

    Ben, you may be a physics Ph.D, but I just read Planets as well as A History Of Nearly Everything, so I’m going to challenge you on this. What I would do with my rubber band is stretch it with my hands and feet, but then I would suddenly let go with my hands, while keeping my feet on. This would launch me in any direction at–correct me if I’m wrong–the speed of light. What do you think of them apples?

  14. Christian says:

    I originally forget to mention in the post that the contest is open until midnight this Monday, so feel free to post some more if you come up with a winner, or to invite your mom to submit any she might have.

  15. Troy says:

    Those dragon costumes that are in Chinese parades are still really scary to 1 out of 10 adult men.

    Those same 1 out of 10 adult men have also been legitimately stuck in a chinese finger trap and needed assistance to get out.

  16. Braden Bell says:

    LOL, by the way Chris on your whole candy bar made by orphan spider orphans thing.

    Chinese school children graduating from elementary school have spent more hours in school than American PhDs.

    Chinese people are more genetically diverse than Americans (that one’s for Dave)

  17. Kerstin says:

    There are enough jars of mayonnaise in China to make a tuna sandwich the size of New Jersey.

    The Chinese version of “Hollywood” releases enough movies in 6 months that it would take a person 2 years to watch them all.

    Based on average size of the population, the likelihood of a Chinese woman giving birth to a man the size of Yao Ming is comparable to an american mother having non-identical twins that were each 8’6″ weighing over 400 pounds.

  18. Ben Pratt says:

    What have you done, Chris? I calculate that if you were Yao Ming’s mother and the rubber band was the size and elasticity of Halo and you tried that, then the final speed would be 1/2*(Total volume occupied by all Chinese students’ #2 pencils, in cubic meters) / (Total surface area of all Mandarin orange wedges, in square meters) / (Time until complete Chinese hegemony of the solar system, in seconds).

    When you plug in the numbers it turns out you were wrong about the speed, but only because it would be faster than the speed of light.

    I hope you and I get the Nobel Prize in Physics for this FTL discovery this year, because starting next year all Nobel Prizes will be given to Chinese scientists, mostly because the membership of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences will be composed entirely of Chinese scientists.

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