Special Delivery

I was walking out of work to the parking garage the other day, following a lady who was pulling a couple of boxes.  I happened to snap a photo of the boxes, as I thought they were kind of interesting:

Breast_Mailer_Box

My firm shares our building with a very large healthcare services corporation.  I suppose it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they traffic in certain medical commodities.  But this is the first intimation I’ve ever had that they actually ship spare parts around.  This realization was both disconcerting and comforting– disconcerting to know that the shipping is done in what looks like the U.S. Mail, rather than in some high-tech refrigerated truck as you’d expect; comforting to know that at least the parts go well-labeled.  If you need to ship breasts, it is infinitely safer and more cost-effective to ship them in a box specially made for the purpose.  Yes, this looks like a normal, everyday rectangular brown cardboard box, but don’t be fooled.  This box is a BREAST MAILER BOX.  Certified for safety and freshness by the Governing Board of the United Breast Shippers Association (I think).  It contains every bell and whistle you could ever need to provide the absolute most comfortable possible environment for these valuables, as well as great support.  Or maybe it is just a standard cardboard box, but still, it is clearly marked, which is enough to tell people to handle delicately.

I imagine there’s a stack of these up in the floors above mine, each one sitting there flattened, waiting for some employee to pick up a tape gun, fold the box together, and fill it with its precious cargo, for mailing.  Questions arise, however.  What’s the capacity of one of these boxes?  How heavy would it be when filled?  And isn’t it fascinating to imagine the person opening the box at the end of the line?  I wonder, is he or she excited?  A little afraid?  Or perhaps it’s a surprise?  No matter.  Whoever the BREAST MAILER BOX recipient is, she can’t be more excited to receive her shipment than the man waiting for his brand new NEWBORN HAL.  Man, I’d love to get one of those.

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11 Responses to Special Delivery

  1. Davis says:

    My newborn Hal arrived today, and he is adorable.

  2. Wade says:

    I’m guessing these are strictly for medical purposes because had it been for a mutually beneficial business transaction, one would assume they’d be shipped by a diplomatic agent in a BREAST CONSIGNMENT MAILER BOX.

  3. Ben Pratt says:

    Davis: “Newborn Hal, please prepare four Breast Mailer Boxes.”

    Newborn Hal: “I’m sorry Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

  4. Davis says:

    Ben: Lol. I was trying to think of a Space Odyssey joke, but failed.

  5. craig says:

    have any of you googled newborn hal? almost as creepy as “Birthing Noelle”

    http://www.childrenshospital.org/clinicalservices/Site2240/Images/Newborn%20Hal.bmp

  6. Ryan says:

    There is no way these boxes are full of robotic computer personalities. The quality of cardboard clearly indicates this is organic material. Most likely living, based on the careful way the boxes have been stacked and taped.

  7. Ryan says:

    Wow, Craig, that is seriously scary. I can’t believe Newborn Hal really is a Newborn Hal. I.e., our future robotic animatronic overlord. They have crossed the Uncanny Valley right into the terrifying chasm.

  8. Ryan says:

    Well obviously. They shipped some of her essential parts separately.

  9. Christian says:

    I’m seriously considering not having anymore real kids, but rather getting a Newborn Hal and bringing him out of the closet every 2 years or so for the family to spoil and coo at.

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