Advice Needed

[I wrote most of this post, then realized Ryan wrote something similar forever ago. Whatev]

I received the following email yesterday and I’m not sure what to do with it, so I seek your advice:

“Hi Friend,
Hope this email finds u in good health, I come across your name and profile in  love site as I have interest In u  i deem it very  necessary to get in touch with u for a long-lasting relationship. beside My name is Juliet 22yrs old female, has decent hobbies like reading and swimmimg and i desires to make long-lasting friendship with you. Do u think age, colour or distance  is any bar to make such friendly relationship with you? If not, then stretch your hand to me and accept mine. If you feel like we will be friends fine,then u mail me back, so that I will forward u my photos and Introduce myself to u more, So from there we will get to know each other very well .just bear in mind that there is only one happiness in life,to love and be loved. I will always remain yours in love. with big Kisess And Hugs! From Juliet.”

So here’s the deal. I’m happily married and am not looking to take a second wife right now, due to our finances. But it sounds like all Juliet is looking for is a close friendship, a “long-lasting relationship.” Could I use more friends? Friends are like shark attack stories, you’re grateful for the ones you’ve heard, but you’re always on the hunt for the next one. So yes, I would consider myself permanently in the market for good friends.

Apparently Juliet found my profile on a love site. At first this confused me because I can’t remember putting my profile on any love sites lately, but it’s possible I confusedly said yes to the question “Don’t not sign me up on any love sites” that the operator asked when I ordered my Work From Home Business Kit.

Some of you immediately think I should write her off and not pursue a lasting friendship because of her creative English. But I think she might be from Russia. Or the Southern U.S. Either way, we can cut her some slack on that front.

I would ask Reba her opinion, but she’s pretty busy lately, and I really don’t need to ask to know that she would want me to make more friends.

There are a couple things right off the bat that I like about Juliet.

1. She hopes my health is good, which is considerate.

2. Her hobbies are swimming and reading, which are two of my favorite things. These two things alone convince me that she really did see my profile on a love site. She is a naturally humble person and calls those hobbies merely “decent,” but I think they are phenomenal hobbies and she needs to have more confidence in them.

But seriously folks, the thing about this email that struck me is this:

Whoever is doing this is still doing it because enough people fall for it to make it profitable—however it is they make their profit. Someone somewhere is falling for it. And it breaks my heart to imagine who this person must be to fall for this. To imagine someone like the pre-island John Locke in Lost; say Fred, a lonely, divorced computer programmer coming home from another grim day in his cubicle, checking his email, hoping for a funny cat pictures forward from his mom—anything to distract him from his isolation. Then he sees this email from Juliet. This affectionate 22 year old who found his profile (which his concerned mom must have posted) on a love site wants to get to know him. He hurriedly writes back, they exchange pictures for which he wears his best toupee and bolo tie, then before he knows it he has bought a majority stake in her family’s nonexistent llama farm in Kamchatka. Then Juliet moves and loses his email address.

computer geek

Juliet


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12 Responses to Advice Needed

  1. MommyJ says:

    OH MY GOSH! You mean Juliet isn’t a really person?! I’m done for now.

    And just for the record, I’ve done been livin’ in the South of the US of A my whole life and speak way more smart than that…

  2. MommyJ says:

    REAL person. Not really person.

    (funny, I have no trouble with the grammatical errors I made on purpose, but the one that was an accident makes me nuts.)

  3. Rachel says:

    They use the name “Juliet” to conjure romantic fantasies in which you are Romeo…smart.

  4. Davis says:

    I love the ones I occasionally get about “Someone you know has a crush on you!” I think that’s a diabolically clever way to sucker in the lonely – “The hot girl at Starbucks went online and entered my name at this crush website! That only charges $59.99 to sign up for!”

  5. Skewever says:

    Chris, three words and four exclamation points: FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!! I know you were hurt by the email friend before, but its time to move on and let love in. Juliet is right on when she says: “just bear in mind that there is only one happiness in life,to love and be loved.”

    Do you listen to This American Life? It is without question the best contemporary media available today. Well, they did a story on a group of guys who’s hobby it is to scam email scammers. They end up sending this guy on a wild goose chase through the worst parts of Africa. Check it out at : http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/363/Enforcers

  6. Ben Pratt says:

    It’s pretty clear you’re a fan of LOST, Christian, what with all the references you made to it in this post: John Locke, the Dharma shark, long cons, and of course Elizabeth Mitchell’s character Juliet. Good stuff.

  7. Layne says:

    Does that email not agree with your personal ethics?

  8. Rebecca Bell says:

    This is hilarious. being the sweet wife that i am, i’m going to go ahead and give you permission on this one. have at it, hon.

  9. Braden says:

    That is pretty sad, Kook. But you make it funny. And Mommy J, as a fellow resident of the Southern US, I am with you on this outrageous slur! He did go to his mission in North Carolina, though, so maybe his defense is that he met actual people who really talked like that. Still, how would he feel if in my next MMB post, I paint all window cleaning business owners with such a broad brush.

  10. Ryan says:

    No need to apologize for posting this, Chris. I would honestly post one or two of these every day if I felt like people wouldn’t complain. I receive scores every week, and there’s always a few that raise the bar.

    I just want to point out, though, that Juliet really does seem nice. It’s rare these days that people are that open to relationship. Even if you don’t take her up on it, you should maybe pass this on to someone else you know who might benefit from a long-term relationship with a sweet lady.

  11. Danica says:

    Oh my word, this post had me rolling.

  12. Christian says:

    MommyJ, good to see you around here. You and Inkmom (I know your sisters) both live in the mountains of Carolina, right? Or is that just InkMom? Anyway, when I read that on her blog I go jealous. I served around Boone, Pilot Mt., Asheville, etc. That is such a gorgeous place to live. I miss it.

    Rachel, exactly,

    Davis, those are cruelly brilliant. Sad.

    Skew, I love this American Life. I forgot to listen to that one you attached, but I will.

    Ben, lol. I want to meet you one of these days. Funny dude.

    Layne, it most definitely DOES fit my personal ethics.

    Braden, most window cleaners are saints and you know it. After pastor, it is consistently voted as the most trusted profession.

    Ry, good point. I passed her on to Ali and Molly, along with their phone numbers. Thanks for the tip.

    Danica, send me your phone number and I’ll pass it along to Juliet. She’s super nice, you’re super nice. Long lasting friendship made in heaven.

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