Fine, Let’s Go There.

I have never been one to brag, but some things just naturally come up in conversation and you make things awkward by not acknowledging them. Like—as I’ve been forced to discuss on dddt—my innate but as of yet untested combat skills or the fact that I was a zone leader (the tallest zone leader too) on my mission (which, if you’ll remember, was basically higher than AP in my particular mission. Ryan was an AP in a second world country, which is the equivalent of a district leader in the U.S. Davis was a Zone Leader in a third world country, which is the equivalent of a 34 year old sister missionary with mustache and a peg leg in the U.S. And before you suffragists start picketing my house, let me say that this ranking system didn’t come from me; it’s in the handbook. Page B28. Look it up.)

Anyway, so I don’t like to talk about myself, but there is an elephant in this cyber room and I might as well get this over with. Those of you who have lived in Utah County are familiar with a tony publication called Schooled Magazine. For those of you who live in underground bomb shelters in the Gobi Desert who haven’t heard of Schooled Magazine; it’s like the Vanity Fair of Utah County. Well anyway, I want you to click on the link below, then scroll all the way to the bottom to that page, September 2003.

Yes I know, you recognize that guy and yes that is Carmen from American Idol and Kyla from the Bachelor on the issues after mine. I know, that’s so incredible, blah blah blah. Whatever. And I know you want an explanation, which I’m sick and tired of giving. But I don’t want all 32,000 of you separately emailing and bugging me about it, so I might as well address it here. But what’s to explain? I was chosen to be on the inaugural cover of a prestigious magazine? Big freaking whoop. All of us have neat things happen to us in our lives, yours are just on a drastically smaller scale. But the emotions are essentially the same. Like how sleeping in a mink blanket basically feels like sleeping in a burlap blanket, because in the end they’re both just blankets. Ok, I guess it’s not the same and unless you’ve been there I can’t explain it to you.

But fame has a darker side. Everyone assumes you think you’re better than them simply because they know you’re better than them. The Belmont/Arlington crowd hates you because they want to be you. The homely and poor students in the Colony and the Riviera are too intimidated to even approach you. It’s terribly lonely. Then one night you snap out of it and find yourself lost in a sea of zebra-striped hair and slutty pumpkin costumes at a UVSC Halloween party and you think “what have I become?”

But it doesn’t have to be that way. A question I get a lot is “Christian, how does instant fame affect a person?” I just smile and do my best to answer graciously. The answer is fame only changes you to the degree you let it change you. If having pet white tigers that are trained to bathe and towel you erodes the type of person you are inside, then you have no business being famous.

Anyway, please don’t email me about this (friends) or ask to represent me (modeling/acting agents) or ask me for Hollywood intros (my good friend Juliet). I’m over it. I’ve settled down now and am the CEO of a reputable company in the U.S., so.

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11 Responses to Fine, Let’s Go There.

  1. Claire says:

    Pee in my pants right now. That picture on the cover of the notorious “Schooled” magazine (Have I heard of it? I subscribe and submit articles regularly) is some pure entertainment. I knew you were famous. I thought D-list though. I has no idea you were A-list. please send me your John Henry ASAP.

  2. Layne says:

    Wasn’t this one about who had the hottest student body?

    I have to say that UVSC has the hottest student body. Think about it–ultra tan kids with bleached tips selling cell phones at the mall (UVSC students) or home-schooled kids who were raised to think that wearing deodorant is a signal to God that you don’t appreciate the body He’s give you (BYU students). Is it even close?

  3. Braden says:

    Oh Kook, rare form today, bro. Rare form. And Layne, that was pretty good, too.

  4. Troy says:

    I don’t get why Justin Guarini on the cover of some magazine has anything to do with you, Kook.

  5. Rebecca Bell says:

    it’s no coincidence, troy, that justin guarini was born justin bell (check it out on wikipedia). christian had this magazine cover blown up in to a billboard in orem. below the pic, it said, “honk if you think he’s hot.”

  6. Braden says:

    Reb, you’re kidding right?

  7. Ben Pratt says:

    Brilliant! Mink vs. burlap blankets.

  8. Christian says:

    Claire, I’ve seen some of your work in Schooled. Well done.

    Layne, lol. So funny. So true.

    Troy, because Justin is my cousin, that’s why. I rose with him.

    Reba, I really should have done that. Too bad I didn’t know you and have the benefit of your counsel at the time.

    Braden, no, but regretfully.

    Ben, when I think of someone sleeping in mink blankets I think of you. Hope that’s not weird.

    btw everyone, i want you to know that Schooled’s graphic designer thinned out and lengthened my face quite a bit in photo shop to fit the cover. That’s not how it looks in real life; all horse-ish and all.

  9. Jami says:

    I remember when I lived in The Riv and you lived in that NASTY house. I was sooooo intimidated by you. (Everyone knows that The Riv was awesome because that’s where the Osmonds lived).

    Loved this post. Way funny. 🙂

  10. Danica says:

    Oh man, mustache and peg leg, I’m dying. What I want to know is who decided to unbutton the shirt? I can picture you all ready to go and quickly unbuttoning the top two, just cause it was really hot in the studio and stuff.

  11. InkMom says:

    I read this post to my husband and days later he’s still chuckling to himself about mustachioed Ahab the sister missionary. Seriously.

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