Guest Post: I Wanted That Worm

We’re happy to present to you a guest post from DDDT Matters Pertaining to Single People Correspondent Ron (not sure why I’m linking there; last post is from January).

Upon graduating from BYU I moved east, eventually landing in Washington DC, where I lived and worked for three years.  After I had been there for a while, I began to feel somewhat discouraged by my lack of a dating life. I rarely dated, mostly because few options existed and I didn’t click with those that did.  Long gone were the days when eligible bachelorettes were as easy to come by as laser liposuction-themed billboards along I-15.  After a while, so much time had passed since I had really liked a girl that I began to wonder if I was even capable of genuine romantic emotion.

But then it happened.  One Sunday at church a cute girl whom I had never seen entered the chapel.  In my mind’s ear I heard a voice, accompanied by a choir of angels humming in the background, introducing this fair maiden in the same way the MC introduces the starting line up at a Jazz game…”At 5’6 and a hundred and something pounds, coming to you from the everlasting hills, let’s hear it for…your one true love.”  After church I made my way over to her, struck up a conversation and got her number.  I called her early in the week and we set a date for that Friday night.

Because I was so excited for this date I wanted to do something special, something clever, something that would scream, “This is no ordinary guy.” So I took her to dinner and a movie.  Dinner was electric.  Our conversation clicked.  She laughed at my jokes.  There was a great vibe.  At the movie we sat close, close enough to play pinky satellite.  After the movie I took her home and left her with a sweet and romantic two-second hug on her doorstep.  I drove back to my place a new man, my faith in love restored.

After I got home I stayed up late talking to my roommates about my night, which is what most guys do following a great first date.  When I finally went to bed I was unable to sleep.  I was lost in thoughts about my crush and what our future children would look like.  Eventually I dozed off.  I awoke early Saturday morning to thoughts of her.  My crush.  My love.  I couldn’t get her out of my mind.  I wondered if she couldn’t get me out of hers.  As I lay there basking in the glow of puppy love, I decided to do something that no single man in good conscience would ever do, something that flew in the face of the name and philosophy of this very website.  At 7:45 AM following the night of our first date, I picked up my phone, called my crush and asked her if she wanted to go to breakfast.  You read that correctly.

In the Annals of Dumb Things That I Have Done, surely this sits somewhere near the top, maybe tied for first with that one time I asked an old friend if she was pregnant only to have her tell me in the company of her husband and a few other that she wasn’t.  But in this instance I knew better.  This shouldn’t have happened.  If a friend asked me 100 times if he should call a girl at 7:45 AM following the night of a first date, 100 times over I would say “absolutely not”, not unless he wanted to commit social suicide.

I’ll spare myself the embarrassment of sharing with you the details of the phone conversation that ensued.  Needless to say, we didn’t go to breakfast.  In fact, we never went out again.  Which is so weird, because I was always taught that the early bird gets the worm.  The early, overeager, desperate-seeming bird gets the worm.

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24 Responses to Guest Post: I Wanted That Worm

  1. Andrea W. says:

    OHHHHHHHHH, this is just too much, Ron. So funny and so painful. Why do there exist such harsh and unyielding unspoken laws like that? It can be really romantic to break all the rules, but there’s just kind of no way to know when it will be received as romantic and when it will be the reason someone got a restraining order. Great post!

  2. Davis says:

    I remember well walking into your bedroom that morning, your face weighed down by an expression that was part sadness and part mortification.

  3. Eliza says:

    How can something be so sad and so funny at the same time? I’ve had a few of those where I just had to learn the “rules” the hard way (hard way as in, in your face, flirt with my room-mate, rejection) Man, the games of the single life is so funny how you just can’t show too much interest. the word “marriage” even in the most general sense can NEVER come up or it would be “creepy” even though you both know you are looking for a future spouse, and would like to get married ,gasp, someday. funny stuff, great post.

  4. Christian says:

    “Which is what most guys do following a great date” lol. True
    Girls have no sense of romance. if, after a great first date, I found the girl outside, silently watching me sleep to make at 3 am to make sure I was safe I would be touched. But when you do the same to the girl she gets all weird about things and won’t return your calls or notes you have her professors give her

  5. Jordan says:

    Loved the post Ronnie. I can’t believe you called that girl the next morning; doesn’t sound anything like you. And I’m not even going to touch that “early bird gets the worm” comment at the end. I know you were just trying to get me. Won’t work.

  6. Braden says:

    Oh, oh, oh. Ouch. Ron, I want to laugh but I can’t. I am feeling too much sympathy pain for you. You are a brave man since you can write about this.

  7. Rebecca Bell says:

    Now, I am SURE that you didn’t make that call without some serious prior roommate consultation. So, tell us, Ron, should Davis to blame in this little puppy love fiasco?
    Are we also not sure that you talking a bit too much about your car was the actual deal breaker here? 🙂

  8. Davis says:

    Rebecca, I wasn’t consulted on this one. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I had been. I would have told him not to do it and he would have grown belligerent and angry that I disagreed with him rather than simply telling him I thought his idea was the best thing ever, and then he would have called her.

  9. ron says:

    I had learned many moons prior that girls don’t like it if you spend three hours talking about your car, so I cut it down to two with this girl.

    Is Davis to blame? If I remember correctly, I told Davis I missed my crush and he said “Why don’t you see if she wants to grab breakfast.” At least, that is how I remember it. But the details are fuzzy.

  10. Troy says:

    At least you didn’t ask her at 7:45 *PM* if she wanted breakfast…that would have been some pretty inappropriate and creepy innuendo.

    One of my worst dating faux pas was when a girl I had a date with called to cancel just a couple hours before our date. She was a Mormon girl with Jewish heritage and I jokingly said “So you’re Jewing out on me, huh?” She didn’t think it was funny. We didn’t reschedule.

  11. Layne says:

    Brutal. I disagree with Christian and Davis–you definitely could have used a wingman on that occasion. If I were you, I’d partially blame anyone your friends for not physically stopping you from making that call. Davis = Fail.

    Thanks for letting us laugh at your expense. You are a good sport.

  12. Serene says:

    My hand is covering my mouth so as to not allow the laughter to escape.
    Poor you.
    Some things have to be learned the hard way.

    Yea, and what is that about? Not having your so-called “friends” step in and save you from yourself? 😀

  13. Katherine (Foulger) Lewis says:

    I think it was a sweet and sincere idea. I would have been flattered. Her loss.

  14. Ryan A. says:

    Coincidentally enough, this is just about the same time I decided to never, ever, ever take dating advice from Ronnie. By the way, you don’t just get nicknames like Ronnie, you earn them…

  15. Jason says:

    Actually I tried the same thing and it worked for me, so it must just be you. So sorry!

  16. Ben Pratt says:

    lol, Christian. It was chuckle-level funny until the bit about the professors put it over the top.

    Ron, few puppy-lovin’ boys have worn their hearts on their sleeves more than I did pretty much my first 19 years of life. In the end I somehow totally scored in marriage, though (maybe because I’m 100x more of a romantic than she is?). You’ll find your worm, er, woman.

  17. MommyJ says:

    I’m embarrassed for you… really I am. Nothing stings quite like the sting of rejection.

    I’m pretty sure my husband broke just about every single rule of dating when it came to our courtship. He told me he loved me on day three, and proposed on day 8. But then I said yes. So it sorta made it worth the risk. Still absolutely crazy, but worth it. Since we’re talking about things that are all kinds of inappropriate, how bout this? Are you still single and living in DC? Cause my sister in law lives up there and she’s all kinds a hot…

  18. Christian says:

    Ka-zow!

    First dddt saves marriages from divorce with its tiebreakers series, then we make marriages happen with guest post matchmaking! How can we keep topping ourselves at this rate?!

    Mommy J, sadly Ron resides in Utah now, but that doesn’t mean dddt can’t start a donation fund to buy him a ONE WAY TICKET TO DC!!!!!

  19. Shauna says:

    Ron is HOT. i would of been so down for breakfast.

  20. maweesa says:

    ron, it’s a good thing you learned your lesson and haven’t done anything like this since…

  21. ron says:

    Christian – If you raise that money i will catch the first flight to DC.

    Mommy J – I know the perfect little breakfast spot to take your sister-in-law.

  22. Ben Pratt says:

    Best matchmaking ever.

  23. Brad Pitt says:

    Strange. I do this all the time. The girl always says yes.

  24. Oh man, this is awesome. Loving all the comments too. I love #1 in the Annals – my sister-in-law once asked her dental hygienist during an appt, “When are you due?” She politely tried avoiding the embarrassment that was soon to follow (since she was not pregnant) by asking, “Oh, WHAT do I do?” “No, no, not WHAT do you do, WHEN are you due?” That was a real nice half hour sitting totally mortified and captive to your embarrassee.

    Now in light of my dddt commenting past, some might find it hard to believe that I don’t find your early morning call creepy. Eager, yes, but nothin’ wrong with that. I agree though that it’s always better to err on the less eager side in these types of situation. When Zack and I re-met in a whirlwind weekend (his first weekend home from his mission), and we hung out a few nights and exchanged email addresses (that’s how cool we were – he got my number too, but this was in the era of calling cards and he was, ok fine, still is, very thrifty) – it was me that broke the rules and emailed him the very next day from work while he was driving back to Utah with his family.

    I hope to see more guest posts from Ron for sure.

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