Public Apology

Dear XXXX XXXXXXX on Facebook, I want to publicly apologize to you. I don’t even know you, but yesterday I saw that one of my facebook friends commented on your status update that said:

“BMW 750Li or Mercedes S55, which would you go with?”

From the comments (yours and others) that followed, I decided this wasn’t a fun hypothetical question, but that you were truly asking which you should buy.

I’m not proud of this, but when I realized that, something came over me.  Something ugly and mean. Something unbecoming of a Utah County resident, shark advocate, and father of two. Before I knew what was happening to me I had commented on your thread:

“It’s my wife’s birthday and I’m trying to decide if I should buy her an aircraft carrier or Disney World (leaning toward the carrier, because I could take the 4,500 orphans I’ve adopted on cruises). Please advise. Also, I’m a Ralph Lauren model, so keep that in mind. And I was voted coolest person on Earth (see PimpDaddy Magazine, July, 2007). Anyway, just sincerely looking for some advice. Thanks.”

I felt justified. After all, you asked for it, I told myself. Begged for it. Practically held a gun to my head for it. You deserved to be banished to a lifetime of strong, toothless women and strong, cold winds in Evanston, Wyoming for your shameless, shameful bragging. At least that’s how I felt for the 30-second period after reading your update; adrenaline—the mean kind of adrenaline—coursing through my veins.

But then I examined my motives. Was I jealous because I couldn’t afford a BMW 750Li or Mercedes S55? Probably. But even if I did have that kind of green I would have the sense not to spend it on a fancy car. I would get a jaguar. The jungle predator, not the car. Do you know how many leopards or lemurs you can buy for eighty thousand dollars on Miami’s black market? About 3 of the former, or 482 of the latter. What’s that? You say you’re into speed? Ever heard of something called a cheetah? Cheetahs do 76 mph. How about your S55? That’s what I thought.

But I realized my core motive was that you wrote something that annoyed me and I wanted to make you feel badly about it. But after the mean adrenaline pooled back into my feet (which is where, according to the latest scientific journals, the human body’s mean adrenaline is stored). I started feeling bad. “You’re crazy. You don’t even know this guy. You’ve never left a mean comment on any of the other crazy Facebook updates you’ve seen. You’re not a mean person. You don’t do stuff like this. How awful that you want to embarrass this person in front of his friends and family and make him feel sad.”

Then I felt sad. And I deleted my comment. At least no one saw it, probably. Then 10 minutes later I got an automatic email delivering a comment that someone left on a different thread that I had commented on earlier. It occurred to me that this might be an automatic feature, and that all 26 people who commented on your update before me got an email with my comment sent to them. Then I felt very bad. Hopefully they simply think what I think whenever I see a mean comment on the Internet: “This person is obviously nutty, insecure, and has nothing better to do with their time. Give them a one-way ticket on the next ferry to Perv Island.”

So please accept my apology. Sincerely. That was weird and crazy of me. I’ll be on the midnight ferry.

f-Evil-Easter-Bunny-4166

This guy in the happy Easter Bunny costume will be on the ferry too.

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15 Responses to Public Apology

  1. Ryan says:

    I wish I knew what those cars were. They sound so awesome and fast. Just naming them with all the letters and numbers in their names makes me pretty impressed with this guy. He clearly knows about cool things, and that makes him cool.

    By the way, you mislabeled the guy in the bottom photo. He’s not in an “Easter Bunny” costume. He’s in an “Easter Bunny with dracula fangs” costume. Very different.

  2. Braden says:

    I am so deeply ashamed to be your brother. To think the day would come when our family would stoop low enough to leave a snarky comment on FB. I mean, sure, we talk about people behind their backs all the time but we only don that in the privacy of our own homes. Sheesh, Kook!

  3. Wade says:

    I know somebody who knows somebody that posts awesome stuff like this all the time. And by awesome stuff, I mean really sweet stuff like Lambos, courtside seats, strategic discussions with highly important people, profound statements of awesome self-enlightenment. I’ve saved up a bunch of them over the months. I’ll email them to you and we can practice what responses we’d make, but back and forth to each other so we don’t get ourselves in trouble.

  4. Eliza says:

    Oh man, I have such a pit in my stomach as this took me back to the one million times I’ve done something impulsive like that in the cyberworld, what a horrible feeling. but if it helps, I was laughing really hard at your comment and think it was pretty dang funny, and okay maybe not super kind of me, but come on that guy is ridiculous and that just makes my blood boil just like when I see a girl posting a picture of her by herself totally posed in her swimsuit, on a blog or facebook. like really? congratulations you are rich/beautiful/have a 6 pack/ but really you’re going to blatantly show it off for the whole world to see without even pretending to be self conscious or modest? wow stuff like that just gets me so angry and I can’t even be funny about it, just mad, so you at least have one advantage. and so I’m trying to say, yeah I relate. whew end of rant. ; )

  5. Troy says:

    Kook I bet you were just writhing in agony when I humbly and sincerely asked you for advice on how to clean windows. You judgemental jerk.

    I’m forced to take my query elsewhere. So, anyone out there know how to get the salt-water stains off 40-foot windows? My beach house in Bora Bora gets huge waterspots from the ocean breeze. I knew I should have bought the one on the leeward side of the island, but the wife wanted the sunsets. Plus the dockyard where our yacht is just upshore from our private beach. Any ideas, let me know. I’ll pass it along to Noni, our Chief Housekeeper.

  6. bbells says:

    i think everyone is way off on the picture. I think its a santa costume…
    I hope you have something more intersting to write next time.

  7. The jungle predator…I’m dying. I hope everyone acts like that sometimes, b/c I sure do. I just wrote a 4-page scathing letter to our last landlord who, despite our being the best tenants ever and leaving her house spotless, steam-cleaned carpet and all, kept all $650 of our deposit because I was doing pictures in the home for people, which apparently was breaking our contract. Anyways, I know this is not apples to apples, but the night I wrote it we watched a couple conference talks for scriptures study (b/c we are so righteous) and I just knew I really shouldn’t send the letter with all of my sarcasm. I just wanted to show her point by point how stupid she was and make her feel as bad as she’d made me feel. Awesome, Danica. Not sending that letter these past three days has been the hardest thing of my life. Maybe.

  8. Charlotte says:

    You mean other people can read my comments on facebook? You’re kidding me? I thought those 5000 emails I get every time I try to be nice and like something were something special they did for me.

    (Actually I did try to leave a snarky comment once, but they only allowed their friends to comment so I had to be satisfied with IM’ing it to my sister instead.)

  9. Skewart says:

    I think your comment was pretty mild Bell. And funny too!

    This is the primary reason I avoid facebook. It is a constant collision of worlds meant to stay separate. I don’t need my Grandma to know about what my junior high skateboarding buddy thinks about this and that.

    But if you really want to throw a few land mines out on facebook stick some of these one liners on someone’s wall

    “Didn’t expect to see you last night. You are sooooo C-R-A-Z-Y!!!! And who was that hottie? You know what I mean!!!”

    “Just heard the news man, good luck beating that rape charge.”

    “That’s why we always call you “Shooter!””

    “I thought a little more about our conversation yesterday, and I decided you definitely not stealing, at least not technically.”

  10. Tyler says:

    I would have bought a Jaguar. The jungle predator, not the car. Ha Ha. That was an awesome post. Very clever. I will try to smother you with praise so you can feel like one of those people who can buy fabulous cars.

  11. Ben Pratt says:

    I accept your apology. But seriously, which car?

  12. Serene says:

    *sigh* Men.

    That’s almost as bad as my brother’s friend wanting to punch his lights out for admiting he liked the same girl.

    And men think women are emotional! Sheesh!

    And can I just say that Idaho Falls has WAY worse wind than Evenston. And yes, I am ashamed to say, I would know.

  13. Skewario says:

    Can I just say that it cracks me up that you guys take holidays off? I mean what is this, a bank?

    Happy Independence Day!

  14. Elisa says:

    Ben STOLE my comment.

    Now I am going to go off to my corner and pout. Like the big girl I am.

  15. Nate says:

    Can we vote on comment of the week? Because it NEEDS to go to Troy. Classic.

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