Parade Complaints

Ryan has been travelling, and had his travels extended, so I’ll be your host today.

Take a look at this list of real complaints (hat tip Azucar) allegedly sent in to some city authority after this year’s 4th of July parade in Kaysville. I attended this parade, and while some of these complaints are obviously silly, there are a few legitimate ones I agree with.

“The band didn’t stop and play in front of me.”

This is one of my pet peeves. My experience with marching bands is that they are composed of some of the most arrogant kids in the high school. Ever tried to put in a request for a song with a marching band? They look at you like you’re a homeless person. Or they don’t look at all. They just stare ahead like Communist soldiers. Ever tried to request that they stop to play it in front of you, smiling and looking into your eyes, treating you like a human being? Well don’t. Because they don’t care about you. They’d rather kick you in the kidney than stop to play for you. I was at a Mexican restaurant the other night and guess what the Mariachi band did when I asked them to stop and play for us? They stopped and played for us. Marching bands of the world: you would do well to adopt the serviceable attitude of Mariachi bands.

“There should have been more fly-over planes”

No doubt. Hey, geniuses on the city council, let’s play a game. I’ll be Alex Trebek and you be contestants on my hit game show, Jeopardy!

Daily Double from the “World Class Parade Science” Category:

Answer: “Having 100 of these at a 4th of July parade is mathematically 100 times cooler than having 1.”

Councilman #1: “I’ll be honest, Alex, I don’t know the first thing about parade science. I’m not even sure how I was elected.”

Councilwoman #2: “What is marching bands that don’t stop to play in front of people and don’t care about how that makes them feel inside?”

Alex: “Oh, I’m sorry. The answer is Fly-over planes. Yes, fly-over planes.”

“But where do we get the planes?”

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot that there is a huge airforce base only 10 miles away.

“But these things cost money. Gas and such.”

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot that Kaysville only has 9 or 10 gas stations with loads of gas in its city limits.

And finally, the complaint I wish I would have made myself:

“The veterans weren’t perky enough”

Remember when I said two posts ago that I became emotional watching the vets pass by in the parade? It was because I was disappointed that they were being so boring. “Perky” is the LAST thing I would call those guys. The way they were slouching and mouth breathing you would think they stormed Normandy yesterday. Drooping faces and sloth-slow waving isn’t the way America likes its vets. And if the leaders of Kaysville City thinks they can put these un-animated veterans in front of us year after year and get away with it, they have another think coming. We deserve WWII vets who have pizzazz, enthusiasm, a nose for how to put on a good show. Last year I requested that the WWII vets do a Battle of the Bulge re-enactment during the parade. Big surprise, they turned me down.

Word on the street is that the Brigham City has some of the perkiest veterans west of the Alleghenies. Guess where I’m going to be next 4th of July?

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11 Responses to Parade Complaints

  1. Ryan says:

    Loooool. Perky veterans? That is so awesome. I love that the vets weren’t perky enough for an actual person attending the Kaysville City Fourth of July parade. Why would we celebrate what these people have given to our country when they can’t even give a little oomph to the adoring crowds lining the streets? Man up, veterans.

  2. Gina says:

    Wow. In that whole list, I think there were about two legitimate complaints. Not enough parking and ambulances were too loud (I never understand the appeal of blaring the sirens?).

    Perky veterans is about the best idea I’ve ever heard of, by the way.

  3. Troy says:

    I’ve already emailed the Lt. Governor about my complaint. No eye contact with me whatsoever as he strolled by on his fancy sedan. I was only 3 rows deep in the crowd and was wearing either red, or white. I guess it could have been blue, I can’t remember. But he’s really lost touch.

    Plus, my kids needed more salt-water taffy.

  4. Peter says:

    In full disclosure, it was me who called the city about the band not stopping. All we got was the solo snare drum pacing the marchers snobbishly past those of us in the cheap seats.

    My theory is the band was told to keep it moving to make room for the 15-20 Karate/Dance/Jazz/Singing schools in the greater tri-city (Kaysville, Farmington, Ft. Heights) area.

  5. Azucar says:

    I have two things to add:

    1.) More heritage quilts is always the answer. Cold? Another heritage quilt. HIV positive? Heritage quilt.

    2.) Marching bands here piss me off. GET SOME FUNK, PEOPLE. No one wants to hear Michael Buble in a parade.

  6. Davis says:

    I very literally can’t wrap my mind around the idea of going home from a parade and calling City Hall to complain about something unless that complaint was, “I can’t believe you planted land mines up and down the parade route. The carnage was unimaginable.” Honestly. Think of it. Think of yourself walking into your house, pulling out the phone book to look up the number for City Hall, dialing that number, asking to speak with the person who is in charge of the parade, and then telling them your complaint. I don’t understand.

  7. Dying over “with loads of gas” – this was hilarious. Our parade sorta stunk, but it’s better than a sharp stick in the eye, right? It was mostly people running for election and interest groups, but who doesn’t like free candy? My favorite part was the bubble van that blasted Rihanna’s “Rude Boy” as it passed us. What? Not appropriate for children (or some might even argue adults)? Get over yourself!

  8. Serene says:

    Well since we uh.. sort of umm…. bailed out on attending any 4th of July parade this year and happen upon the fireworks show as we were leaving Walmart, I can’t say I have much to complain about this year.

    Unless its about candy. Do they not see the four little sets of eyes belonging to my children looking, pleading, longing to have candy thrown at them? And then what do they have the gall to do? Toss ONE solitary tootsie roll at them only to have it snatched up by some rude kid twice their size sitting next to us?

    Rude I tell you, just down-right rude.

    Don’t people have manners anymore? Because manners and candy go hand in hand.

  9. craftyashley says:

    I loved the idea about moving the date to some time “when it’s not hot.” This is THE BEST IDEA EVER. Let’s have our July 4th on, say, October 12th! It would be much more comfortable to sit (or stand as some people pointed out) and watch a parade go by. Can we also change Pioneer Day? Because July 24th is EVEN HOTTER.

  10. Ben Pratt says:

    Way to step in today, Chris.

    I’m surprised none of the complainers noticed that the 4th of July parade was accidentally held on July 3rd. Oops!

  11. Christian says:

    BigRy, Man up veterans, for real.

    Gina, Perky Veterans was by far my favorite on the list too. Do you live Florida or somewhere south, right? How are the veterans down there. If you find a group of really perky ones, tell them we will fly them up, put them up, and give them each 5 free meals at Golden Corral if they’ll do their thing in our parade.

    Troy, the Lt. Governor has changed, I can confirm that. Tried to hug him the other day, was blocked by one of his body guards, and he just looked on and gave me a “It is what it is” look. I can tell you who I’m NOT voting for this November.

    Peter, “5-20 Karate/Dance/Jazz/Singing schools in the greater tri-city (Kaysville, Farmington, Ft. Heights) area.”

    lolol. This last Kaysville Parade taught me that the greater tri-city area has more kid dance/singing companies per capita than anywhere else in the world. How did this happen. I used to feel superior to the Provo parade, with their MLM drink companies sponsoring every float and car, but now I’ve been silenced after seeing Davis Counties own embarrassing institution.

    Davis, Same exact thought. What is wrong with people?

    Danica, “Rihanna’s Rude Boy”?? lol. Again, what is wrong with people.

    Serene, As a past 17 year old boy collecting bags full of candy at the expense of hungry, doe-eyed 3 and 4 year olds around me, I formally apologize.

    CraftyAshley, (Welcome!)
    Even if any Kaysville City Counselors are reading this blog (which judging from the parade, they aren’t, because they’re too busy spending all their time and our tax dollars on cocaine and hookers), your great idea won’t go anywhere. These are people who can’t even figure out how to get more than a couple fly-over from the airforce base, to Kaysville, 10 miles away.

    Ben, great point. I’ve already written it in.

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