Ryan has been travelling, and had his travels extended, so I’ll be your host today.
Take a look at this list of real complaints (hat tip Azucar) allegedly sent in to some city authority after this year’s 4th of July parade in Kaysville. I attended this parade, and while some of these complaints are obviously silly, there are a few legitimate ones I agree with.
“The band didn’t stop and play in front of me.”
This is one of my pet peeves. My experience with marching bands is that they are composed of some of the most arrogant kids in the high school. Ever tried to put in a request for a song with a marching band? They look at you like you’re a homeless person. Or they don’t look at all. They just stare ahead like Communist soldiers. Ever tried to request that they stop to play it in front of you, smiling and looking into your eyes, treating you like a human being? Well don’t. Because they don’t care about you. They’d rather kick you in the kidney than stop to play for you. I was at a Mexican restaurant the other night and guess what the Mariachi band did when I asked them to stop and play for us? They stopped and played for us. Marching bands of the world: you would do well to adopt the serviceable attitude of Mariachi bands.
“There should have been more fly-over planes”
No doubt. Hey, geniuses on the city council, let’s play a game. I’ll be Alex Trebek and you be contestants on my hit game show, Jeopardy!
Daily Double from the “World Class Parade Science” Category:
Answer: “Having 100 of these at a 4th of July parade is mathematically 100 times cooler than having 1.”
Councilman #1: “I’ll be honest, Alex, I don’t know the first thing about parade science. I’m not even sure how I was elected.”
Councilwoman #2: “What is marching bands that don’t stop to play in front of people and don’t care about how that makes them feel inside?”
Alex: “Oh, I’m sorry. The answer is Fly-over planes. Yes, fly-over planes.”
“But where do we get the planes?”
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot that there is a huge airforce base only 10 miles away.
“But these things cost money. Gas and such.”
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot that Kaysville only has 9 or 10 gas stations with loads of gas in its city limits.
And finally, the complaint I wish I would have made myself:
“The veterans weren’t perky enough”
Remember when I said two posts ago that I became emotional watching the vets pass by in the parade? It was because I was disappointed that they were being so boring. “Perky” is the LAST thing I would call those guys. The way they were slouching and mouth breathing you would think they stormed Normandy yesterday. Drooping faces and sloth-slow waving isn’t the way America likes its vets. And if the leaders of Kaysville City thinks they can put these un-animated veterans in front of us year after year and get away with it, they have another think coming. We deserve WWII vets who have pizzazz, enthusiasm, a nose for how to put on a good show. Last year I requested that the WWII vets do a Battle of the Bulge re-enactment during the parade. Big surprise, they turned me down.
Word on the street is that the Brigham City has some of the perkiest veterans west of the Alleghenies. Guess where I’m going to be next 4th of July?