RE: NEW HUGGING PROTOCOLS

From a recent article in the Atlantic about how incompetent many terrorists can be:

Nowhere is the gap between sinister stereotype and ridiculous reality more apparent than in Afghanistan, where it’s fair to say that the Taliban employ the world’s worst suicide bombers: one in two manages to kill only himself. And this success rate hasn’t improved at all in the five years they’ve been using suicide bombers, despite the experience of hundreds of attacks—or attempted attacks. In Afghanistan, as in many cultures, a manly embrace is a time-honored tradition for warriors before they go off to face death. Thus, many suicide bombers never even make it out of their training camp or safe house, as the pressure from these group hugs triggers the explosives in suicide vests. According to several sources at the United Nations, as many as six would-be suicide bombers died last July after one such embrace in Paktika.

MEMO

TO: ALL OPERATIVES

FROM: TALIBAN CENTRAL COMMAND

CAVE 6, MARJAH, AFGHANISTAN

RE: NEW HUGGING PROTOCOLS

Greetings to the freedom fighters and jihadis in Allah!  May peace and the comfort accompany all of battle efforts!  Thing is very good in Cave 6, exception Mustafa has no shower total 8 months, and no difference of smell from donkey!  No, but Mustafa is great sport.

taliban-fighters

Cave 6 crew is celebration Mustafa’s birthday.  Was too crazy night!

Being now serious, great problem makes new policy all Taliban follows.  Many times before have we make strong warning: all the hugging is do before dressing up with bombs!  Before has been only strong warning, but too many time is no one follow just ‘warnings.’  Ayman talk to Nassir just before Nassir begin mission last Thursday, said “Nassir- once bomb is dressed to the body, the hug is ending from all teammates!”  Ayman say very specifically of strong warning about explosion hug dying- cannot is more specific.  But Nassir very next today listen?  No!  Bomb is dressed to body and all ready to explode Americans in Allah, and then long hugs to Hazir and Abdul.  Abdul was great tight hugger, and now all rest in Allah.  Blow up two good goats additional!

And now, more times in this week, just news come out that Bashir is strapped on great large bomb, say goodbying to all of brothers, then large dance and group hug for whole brothers.  6 men give long sweet hug for goodbye to Bashir- with Bashir explosive all in trousers!  Most strongest warning is when bomb is dressed to body is no GROUP HUG!  Group hug is why so all Taliban kill all more Taliban, and none can is blow up Great Satan Yankee.  Sometime is one small hug can safety kind of, but hug as group is Americans win all times, because Taliban exploding- ALL times!  All Bashir brothers is never group hug again now.

Because strong warning is no one listen, only choice is serious rule.  And sorry because small people ruin it for all else Taliban, but no exceptions can allow.  So rule is: After bomb is dressed to body, please hugs cannot remain!  Suggestion goodbye pat on the cheeks, and can even goodbye backrub for closest friends.  When Aziz send mission last June, all us is giving long sidehug, and is all safe.  And Hakeem give quick pat of bottom (Mustafa was very laughing!).  Here in Cave 6, hugs is never when bomb is body strapped.  And now rule is for all Taliban, serious.

If more problems can happen of hugging explosion dyings, then much serious other policies became.  Taliban must then not hug EVER so that rule is follow all times.  All Taliban lose privilege of the hugs then.  This cannot is how anyone wanting to be.  So please all follows new rule and then can bombers will not explosion until after is left from safehouse.  Without rule is so much explosions in safehouse, and having lost so much safehouses!

Remembering: Suicide bomber is must too kill others not only self or team-members!  Suicide bomber is just to kill U.S. army team.  Then save bomb hug to American army always, and nevermore sweet hugs to farewell of Taliban brothers.

When is reading finished of this message, kind to place back in pigeon and send to next cave station.  Peace and see all together soon time at big Retreat in Mazar-e-Sharif!

Your Brother,

Sayib

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14 Responses to RE: NEW HUGGING PROTOCOLS

  1. Christian says:

    lololol. So funny. Love stuff like this. Love evil people making America’s Funniest Home Videos goofs.

  2. InkMom says:

    You know, maybe it’s kind of like the no helmets required for motorcycle riders law in South Carolina: they’re trying to kill off all the stupid ones.

  3. Troy says:

    Asalaam alaykum brother Sayib,

    Very good is strong warning you give. Only problem is majority of our brothers cannot read memo. No matter pidgeon deliver memo, brothers cannot read. One idea for to make instructions like drawings on cartoon show. But no tv’s and no electricity in our country. Best we wait until gathering at Mazar-e-Sharif and do a skit or something on this important topic.

    -Abdul

    Awesome post, Ry and great article. Man I need to start reading the Atlantic. That’s like the 10th time you’ve pointed to it and I’ve been impressed every time. By the way, the literacy rate in Afghanistan really is a dismal 28%, and 80% of the country is without electricity. One of the dumbest and poorest countries on Earth–which makes the war all the more frustrating.

  4. Wade says:

    I laughing at job is all time. No more is make funny or I have lose job.

  5. Braden says:

    Oh Ry, that was brilliant!!!! Briliant. I’m crying from laughing so hard. “And sorry because small people ruin it for all else Taliban, but no exceptions can allow.” Your mangled English blended with the institutional tone is pitch-perfect. And LOL to Troy for the idea of doing the skit.

  6. jon says:

    That was hilarious Ryan. Still laughing.

    Worse than the hugging are the spontaneous ‘tickle fights’ that are extremely popular among young jihadis.

  7. Ben Pratt says:

    What Braden said.

    PS I think I’ll type “What Braden said.” for my comment every time from now on.

  8. Ryan says:

    Thanks guys. Troy, those numbers are just shocking. We come in with our night vision and our power generators and our . . . literacy! And we can’t do anything to stop them. It’s crazy. I would have liked to have thought we were tougher than the Russians in fighting these pesky Afghans.

    I just love the Darwinian overtones to all of this, as InkMom pointed out. The dumber members of any species are going to be wiped out. Add terrorism and war and suicide bombs to the mix, and that process is wildly accelerated. The one surprising thing about it all is that it makes the Taliban quite a bit more lovable when you think about it.

  9. Layne says:

    Good stuff. You know, I think eventually someone will make a sitcom of this stuff. MASH was about the Korean war which happened in the 1950s but aired in the 1970s. Maybe in the 2020s we’ll see a sitcom about terrorists. Seinfeld style. I think there is a lot of potential there.

  10. Davis says:

    Theologically speaking, does one still get one’s 100 virgins if the only people you blew up were your fellow group-hugging jihadis?

  11. Christian says:

    Only 15 in that case. Still not a bad deal though.

  12. Mike says:

    Usually is so funny the post of Ryan. When first I read, I feel sad for no American comedy posting. Now I am thinking is good the giving attention for both of serious and comedy. This is way for educate with entertain. As always you have very insightfulness.

  13. Emily says:

    Finally got around to reading your stuff. It is great!! Hilarious!! I recommended it to other friends and family. Thanks for the laughs…and the great writing. Tell Macy hello.

  14. Ryan says:

    Thanks Emily- what a nice surprise to see you. Hope you’re doing well.

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