Dear Sharkman

Davis is gone. You’re stuck with me. To any of you who only come to the blog on Wednesdays only to watch the Big Dave Show: you just got Punk’d.

In honor of this special week, here’s a new installment of my advice column, Dear Sharkman, where I take your questions about anything and everything. Today is the Shark Edition. To be fair to everyone who has sent in emails, I’m printing off all of the ones with shark-related questions, putting them in a hat, and having Reba pull out 5 for me to answer. I’ll answer them in the order she pulls them out. Bring on the advice seekers!

Dear Sharkman,

Did someone else give you that nickname, or did you give it to yourself and try to pretend like someone else gave it to you? Of course we all know the answer already, we know that you’re a phony, and I know that you won’t answer my email, but I don’t care because I made my point and because you’re a moron. Stay lame, Stankbreath (I met you once and your breath was rank, so I think Stankbreath is a more fitting nickname for you).

Curious is St. George

Dear Curious,

Ok, let’s get things started off with a negative letter. I do get them occasionally and I’m firmly against censoring, so that’s fine. As far as my long-standing nickname, I don’t like to get bogged down in the technicalities surrounding exactly who came up with it and why. It’s a perfect nickname for me regardless of its origin, so don’t worry about it. Even though your email wasn’t all that nice, thanks for writing anyway.

Sharkman

Dear Sharkman,

What is your favorite type of shark? Keep up the good work at DDDT. Love it!

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Great question! Makos are the fastest and smartest, Bulls are the toughest and they can survive in fresh water rivers and lakes, Tigers are the most mercenary and calculating, Great Whites are the strongest, Oceanic white tip are the most fascinating, Reef sharks are the most “sharkiest” looking, and Greenland sharks are the most mysterious. It’s hard to pick just one!

Sharkman

Dear Christian (I refuse to call you “Sharkman”),

You should be ashamed of yourself for sowing seeds of fear about these magnificent creatures. Do you know that sharks kill 10 or 20 humans a year while humans kill 70 million sharks a year? You read that right. 70 million. What do you have to say for yourself?

A True friend of Sharks

Dear “True” Friend,

Oh brother, give me a break. You should be ashamed of yourself for pretending to be anything other than a paid hack of the shark lobby. Either that, or you are just one big, huge, gigantic nerd who has time to write me about NONSENSE. 70 million sharks? Really? If there were 70 million sharks you could walk across their packed bodies from continent to continent (although you wouldn’t want to because even their skin is made of tiny teeth–denticles–which will cut your feet. Nasty beasts all around). And saying sharks are vulnerable victims is like saying Brad Pitt is being bullied by a squirrel or a baby ant.

Sharkman

Dear Sharkpoop,

Me and my wife are wondering what would it take for you to make a swim through the Ring of Death at Seal Island? I know plenty of people who will pitch in for your flight there and funeral expenses. I’m sure someone would miss you, although I can’t imagine who that person would be. You my friend are an awful person, exceeded only by the awfulness of your writing.

Anxious For Your Demise In Denver

Dear Anxious,

“Me and my wife.” And you call me an awful writer! No matter. I will gladly take a dip in the Ring of Death; during the summer! If you knew anything about Seal Island you would know that the Ring of Death is only populated by ferocious air born great whites during winter. And don’t worry, I won’t print your other email where you admit that you are a loser who has no job and you think whale sharks are real whales and that you eat stoat poop sandwiches for lunch. And that you’re ignorant and smell like puke. But even though we have our honest differences, I can sincerely say that I hope you are devoured by a pod of famished orcas.

Sharkman

Ok, I think we’re done. Looks like we’re just going to do 4 today.

On the next installment of Dear Sharkman, I will take your serious questions (serious questions only from now on, please) about relationships, so don’t hesitate to write, and stay tuned.

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10 Responses to Dear Sharkman

  1. Braden says:

    Kook,

    Only you could make something so random so funny. You made me laugh, bro. Thanks!

  2. Layne says:

    Good stuff Sharkman. You really have alot of detractors don’t you?

  3. Amy M says:

    I can’t wait for this week to be over! The husband and the twin five year old girls are just all about the sharks… Shark shark sharky shark. I want to bite them already and it’s just Wednesday.

  4. Ben Pratt says:

    “I want to bite them already…” Shark week is having the intended effect on Amy M.

    At least one shark letter was positive, Kookshark. I hope you shark a nice shark shark, and shark all shark sharks be shark.

  5. Andrea W. says:

    First let me say that I’m impressed that it appears you guys planned ahead for Davis’ absence. Way to go. Funny stuff. I love people who nickname themselves. I guess you can’t blame a guy who’s nickname is “Kook” for trying something else on for size.

  6. Gina says:

    Hilarious as always! I’m not even sure why, but that’s the best kind of funny!

  7. Jami says:

    I’ve been laughing about this
    all morning! Funny stuff.

  8. Serene says:

    Interesting… my husband is watching “Shark Week” in the background, so I feel no sympathy for the sharks.
    None.
    Zippo.
    And I’ve seen Jaws… and grew up near a beach.

    That should speak for itself. 😀

  9. Dave says:

    Sharkman … I wanted to show you where I surf. Next time you’re in town, I’d love to take you out: http://vimeo.com/14054518

  10. Dave, holy crap. I’ve swam there before. That guy is crazy. Man.

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