The price of not living in the Mission Field

I read this on JetSetCarina—who was reporting on her trip to NY—the other day:

“Where are you from?…

‘Utah!’ I responded to two cute girls, both from New York. It took them a couple minutes to ponder this statement.

‘I couldn’t live anywhere,” said Eliana, “Where wild animals could just wander into my house.’”

I (Christian) thought that was so funny. Wild animals? Just coming and going as they please?

Jadrienne: Mo-ooom, Sesame Street’s about to start but there’s a cougar on the couch again.

Mom: For the last time, Jadrienne, just deal with it! You know that’s his favorite spot and if you try to move him he might injure or kill you.

Jadrienne: {whining, pre-tantrum voice} But I want to watch Sesame Street and the stupid cougar is in my way!

Mom: Then why don’t you take your fancy airs and move to London where you won’t have to deal with this sort of thing! My goodness!

Dad: Which one of you broke the arm off the big Captain Moroni?

Chazz: The one in your room?

Dad: No, the big one. The one above the fireplace!

Brigdon: Why you looking at me?

Chazz: I didn’t do it.

Brielle: Me neither. It was probably a bear or a moose. The mooses have been particularly reckless lately; chasing the rattlesnakes around the kitchen table.

Dad: {Sigh} Freaking mooses. I’m so tired of them. In fact, I’ve just about had with ALL these animals. Honey, how are the wild animals wandering into the house all the time?

Mom: Through the door frame, I imagine.

Dad: Well, why don’t we keep the doors closed then?

Mom: Because we don’t have doors, dear. You know this. No one in Utah has doors. What do you think this is, an expensive motel in New York City?

Dad: That’s true. Good point.

Chazz: Remember when wolves ate 4 of our siblings in their beds?

Brielle: That was the worst. Sometimes I wish we didn’t live here.

But there is something else strange going on in Utah: all the HCG and plastic surgery billboards on the Interstate. What’s going on there? It’s embarrassing. Isn’t being the world capital of multi level marketing quite enough? Dr. Heidi, we want answers! (as well as any brochures you can send my way about buttocks implants for tall males with jelly bottoms. For a friend of mine.)

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7 Responses to The price of not living in the Mission Field

  1. Rachel says:

    Jadron, Brielle, Chazz, Bridgon….Utah.

  2. Ryan says:

    Dang funny. That scenario you described would seriously be awesome.

    Macy had dinner with Dr. Heidi the other night, by the way, as part of a group birthday party for another girl. She’s very nice. And she’s traded in her lemons.

  3. Ben Pratt says:

    LOL moments: “stupid cougar,” “That was the worst,” and the best of all:

    “Captain Moroni statue above the fireplace.” There is a 5-foot suit of armor statue at my parents’ house that is affectionately referred to as Captain Moroni.

    For some reason HCG, plastic surgery and the rest aren’t really advertised that way in Seattle. Here in the Phoenix area, though, handwritten signs advertise “diet drops” at every intersection. Um, yeah, I think I’ll play it safe and stick with the meth.

  4. Troy says:

    I’m relieved to see this is a safe haven for making fun of Utah names. In a recent conversation with a staff member at a client’s practice, I discovered her name “Candace” was spelled “Kandis”. For some reason I thought it was okay to make the following comment: “wow, that’s Cache Valley spelling for you, huh?” Why I was surprised at her being offended should tell you how stupid I am sometimes. I had to backpeddle bigtime…joked that my name was spelled ‘Troi”. That didn’t seem to help. Next week I’ll bring in a gift or something to make ammends. Are there gift certificates for laser lipo?

  5. Ben Pratt says:

    LOL Troy that would be the perfect gift to get back in Kandis’ good graces. The Hallmark card you give her should also congratulate her for no longer beating her kids or eating boogers.

  6. Braden says:

    Great post, Kook. I was feeling a bit wistful for UT but this post helped end my moment of weakness!

  7. Serene says:

    That’s actually the REAL reason we left Utah.

    Course, you think I’d be use to it after living in Florida where we really truly did have baby gators in our pond, bears in our garage, and racoons, snakes, spiders, and roaches constantly fighting over who got the kitchen and who got the living room.

    I’ve got pictures to prove it.

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