I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

The other day I was looking at our Google Analytics site for this blog – Hi, avid DDDT reader in Oklahoma City! – and I found something incredible: Google Analytics gives you the ability to see what search terms lead readers to your site.  So, if someone Googled “Don’t do dumb things,” and our blog came up as a result, and that person clicked on the link to our blog, Google tells me what search term lead them here.  I was originally just going to send these to Ryan and Kook, but then I realized how selfish that would be.

Now, I know we’ve seen this kind of post before.  I don’t care.  These are amazing.

As you read through the below search terms, you’ll quickly see that they fall into at least one of the following 4 categories:

  1. The search for information that one can reasonably expect to find on the internet. (Example:  “What is the last name of Rick from Magnum, P.I.?” Answer:  Wright.)
  2. The search for information that is so amazingly specific or individual in nature that the searcher is either of substandard intelligence or incredibly desperate, or both. (Example:  “The one episode where Rick has to pay Icepick $5,000 but doesn’t have the money but Magnum gets Higgins to give it to him what kind of car is Rick driving in that episode.”)
  3. The “I just wanted to see if I was the only one,” search. This sentiment is never explicitly expressed, but given the impossibility of getting an answer to the question asked, I’m forced to conclude that the asker is less interested in an answer than in gaining assurance that they’re not the only one with that particular question or problem.  Or is  of substandard intelligence.  (Example:  “What is it called when sometimes when I get in a fight with my parents and I go into my room and close my eyes and I start talking to Rick from Magnum P.I. to ask him questions about how I should handle my parents and also how to talk to girls better.”)
  4. The “just putting it out there,” search, which really isn’t a search at all. There is no question in this kind of search, no information being sought.  Just the desire to express a thought or feeling on the part of someone who is very, very, very lonely.  And of substandard intelligence.  (Example:  “Rick from Magnum P.I. is so freaking sweet and has amazing hair.”)

magnum and co.
This is what comes up when you Google “What TV show makes every single other TV show ever made seem like stupid crap for idiot dummies?

There were so many great search terms that I decided to split them in two and run them in installments.  Here’s Part 1:

“washington generals salary” – You would not believe how many different inquiries there were about the salary of a Washington General.  Seriously.  Like at least 30 Washington Generals-related queries, mostly regarding how much they make and whether or not they’re really trying.  The people want to know.  Ryan has really tapped into something.

“‘make mistakes’ internship” – You’ll be fine.  (You will not be fine.)

“am i the worst intern ever?” – So, we have someone doing an internship.  Either someone told them, “You are the worst intern ever,” or they just realized they were the worst intern ever on their own.  Either way, they went to Google and typed in the phrase, “am i the worst intern ever?”  Why?  Was it done humorously, with the other interns giggling over the worst intern’s shoulder?  Was it simply a way to find a blog or an article about someone else who felt they were blowing their internship?  Was it an effort to express a sentiment they didn’t feel comfortable expressing to a friend or family member?  Or was there some teeny tiny part of them that honestly expected Google to answer that question?  Were they hoping the first result was, “No.  There was a guy from Boston College who interned at General Motors in 1987 who started a fire that killed 4 people and burned down the brake manufacturing plan.  You can’t touch that guy.  But you’re definitely Top 10. ”

“american dumb dangerous sport” – You’ll have to be more specific.

“asian on rocket sled chair”

“That isn’t a chair.  And the guy isn’t even Asian.  Google is the worst.”

“at what temperature do you stop wearing shorts” – 66.

“at what temperature should kids wear sweaters to school” – Not jackets, not long-sleeve t-shirts – as each of these has a distinct temperature at which kids should wear them to school (61 and 67, respectively) – but sweaters.  (Answer: 64.  Duh.)

“awesome animal facts” – I love the idea of some kid – maybe the worst intern ever? – being bored, checking Facebook and blogs, still needing some distraction, and choosing to go this route.  I hope he found them.

“bible verses about getting passed my embarrassment” – There are a couple of different verses I could give you, but I first need to know who it was that passed you your embarrassment.  It would also be helpful to know to whom you are planning to pass it when you are done.

“bishop chastised member for something he didn’t do Polynesian” – Was the Bishop Polynesian, or was the chastised member Polynesian?  Or did the Bishop chastise the member for not doing something in a Polynesian way?  “Brother Stott, how many times do I have to ask you to pass the Sacrament in a flowered shirt?”

“If our next sacrament meeting doesn’t look exactly like this somebody is GETTING EXCOMMUNICATED.”

“brothers sharing underwear” – This query is decidedly non-judgmental.  The inquirer isn’t asking for your opinion on whether brothers sharing underwear is appropriate.  He just wants to know more about the topic, in general.  Do brothers share underwear?  How often?  Until what ages?  Tell me more.

“cactus juice hiv” – Unless the cactus that stuck you was the one in the lobby at Studio 54, I think you’re OK.

“can i get a 24 foot ladder home in a toyota camry” – Here’s what I originally wrote for this one: “I am tickled by this person’s faith in the internet.  I need an incredibly detailed, specific answer to a question that in all likelihood has never been asked until this very moment.  But I’ll go ahead and Google it anyway, hoping there’s a blog devoted to just this question.  You go to the blog – 24footladdersandtoyotacamrys.blogspot.com and its only entry says, ‘Yes.  You can get a 24-foot ladder home in a Toyota Camry.  Easily.’  However, it has, ahem, been pointed out to me that, well, this very blog contains information the exact answer to this question.  I quote, “Then on job day, I would pull up in my Camry, with a 24 foot ladder strapped to the top by motorcycle straps.”  So. Moving on.

“commercial where a girl gets scared of a snow storm and turns around to her boyfriend who is holding a lovers embrace necklace” – Thanks for your inquiry, but I’m just going to need a little more information before I can help you.  What does the girl look like?  Does she turn to her left or right?  What is the boyfriend wearing?

“danica nelson in france” – Danica, tell us about your time in France, will you?

“debilitating nostalgia”I’m not the only one.

“did anyone see how much claire danes licked her fingers on the martha stewart show” – I’m sorry, but this is adorable.  This person is just looking to connect with someone.  Maybe they don’t have friends, or maybe their friends don’t watch the Martha Stewart Show, or maybe they do watch the show, but they just didn’t happen to see how much Claire Danes licked her fingers, or maybe they think she licked her fingers just the right amount.  Either way, they just want to talk about it with someone, because she was licking her fingers A TON.  (I actually searched the relevant clip out – see here – so you could be the judge.  The incriminating footage starts at 13:10.)

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14 Responses to I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

  1. Gina says:

    While I ALWAYS love looking at my analytics searches (and mine are always spot on and not the least bit surprising… I don’t have that kind of blog) I LOVE seeing other blogs search terms like this.

    Now, here’s the funnier thing. And, I know you pointed it out once at least, but I think it’s even funnier when you can tell exactly which post it was that directed Google to your blog based on that search term.

    Oh, and I don’t think the intern making mistakes’ is going to do fine. Something tells’ me they might be making the wrong kind of mistakes’ for that.

  2. I didn’t know you had a blog. Apparently I wasn’t searching with the right terms. How dumb of me.

  3. Layne says:

    Those are great. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Elisa says:

    My search terms are always weird ones:
    Why do all Mormons have 4 kids. (god told us to)
    How did the Twitches season finale end (I have no idea)
    Who sings Hot Dog hot dog hot diggity dog? (duh. mickey mouse)
    Why are mormons weird (who’s calling me weird?)

    I guess I better do a post on this now. Thanks for the inspiration, dude.

    ps. I think Claire had crack on her fingers. Either that or Cheetos dust.

  5. Maweesa says:

    Another favorite game is typing in a letter or two to google to see what the most popular terms are. There are some unexpected doozies

  6. Eliza says:

    weird and funny stuff and wow you really gave me a really strong craving to watch some good ol magnum p.i. and relive my summer childhood.

  7. Still laughing about substandard intelligence. Dude, I have tried to find this all day, but can’t. My one really weird google search term that landed someone on my photography site. It was something to do with mothers killing their children. Awesome. Just the type of clients I’m looking for.

    And as far as France goes…you know what they say: What happens in France, stays in France. Possibly the worst, most-copied advertising line. No, I take it back, Got France?

  8. Ryan says:

    I love these so much. The Polynesian one haunts me. Somewhere out there, someone deserves justice.

  9. Christian says:

    “Am I the worst intern ever?” lololol.

    and the one asking if anyone else saw how much Claire Danes licked her fingers is so funny to me. That person thought they would just use Google as a discussion board.

  10. Christian says:

    Oh, and btw, you do remember the japanese rocket sled video that Craig posted in a comment on my Japan post months back, right?

  11. Ben Pratt says:

    These are so awesome that next week you’re going to see hits coming in searching for “round 2 of DDDT search terms.”

  12. Norm says:

    I shudder at the wealth and power of information Google must posses. Surely they have insights into the human experience that could solve every conceivable malady facing our society. Sucky of them not to share.

    Sucky – my favorite word.

  13. Rachie says:

    So, I found your blog because a friend of mine posted it on facebook. Well, not your entire blog… just one specific post. I don’t remember which one though so I’m sorry for the giant explanation for no reason.

    ANYWAY… I just laughed so hard. There was a Samoan ward in my stake growing up and when I saw the Polynesian part, I almost peed my pants. Seriously. After having 4 kids under mormon guidelines (I only have 2), it sometimes can happen. That should be a sweet bladder control commercial headline, by the way.

    “Are you a mormon? Well you must have 4 kids which means you probably have a bladder control issue. Depends!”

  14. Braden says:

    THe cactus in the lobby of Club 54 was a throwaway line and didn’t get the attention it deserved. So I want to make sure it gets noticed.

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