I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Part 2

And we’re back. I’m writing this from the road, so you’ll have to do without pictures.

I’ll start off with a few that I found so achingly sincere and sad that I decided I couldn’t in good conscience add any commentary to them:

“whats my hidden talents”

“why do i do dumb things sometimes”

“people that don’t do good in school are they dumb?”

“tighty whities humiliation”

“what self tanner does elisabeth hasselbeck use”

OK, glad we got those out of the way.

“do and don’t with bees” – DO put them in the freezer and tie a string around them, DON’T put a smoking broom up to their home.

“do rabbit poops look like milk duds?” – Kind of, but most leading rabbit scientists prefer to describe them as Raisenettes.

“don’t play dumb in Japanese” – Look, Stephanie, you can play dumb in English all you want. But if you play dumb in Japanese even ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

“dumb people what dont know when holidays are” – I . . . am not sure what’s going on here. Were you hoping for a list of dumb people who don’t know when holidays are? Or just more information on dumb people who don’t know when holidays are, in general?

“dumb things about germany” – This one’s for free, but after that you’re on your own: Nazism.

“dumb things dogs say”– Look, I don’t know your dog, but if your dog can say something – anything – than I don’t really feel like he’s that dumb.

“dumb things people say about navy seals”For example.

“edgar anderson woodworker”– Honestly, why does anyone care about Edgar Anderson? STOP CARING ABOUT EDGAR ANDERSON. He was a woodworker. Like 50 years ago. Let it go.

“embarrassing dares to do in whitey tighties”–You’re going to have to be more specific. WHAT KIND of embarrassing dares to do in whitey tighties?

“emotional feeling about my wife”– I have nothing to add to this. It breaks my heart while also filling me with wonderment.

“dumbest window cleaner”– Wow, in this case, Google actually worked.

“how do i say when a person who gets emotional and cries too easily”– As in, what is the term for that kind of person? Or what do you say to them when they’ve once again gone and gotten emotional and cried too easily? (The answer to the second is, “There, there.”)

“how do leno’s joke writers write stuff”– They flip through the newspaper, are unable to come up with anything, and decide to go with a Monica Lewinsky joke.

“how do you say i got very emotional in Spanish”– I got very emotional in Spanish. Nailed it.

“how to say squeegee in japanese”– Squeegee in Japanese. Nailed it again.

“how to console an emotional woman”– You tell her to hold on a second and then you run over to the computer and type that phrase into Google and then do whatever it tells you to.

“hugging protocol married man” – Oh, man. Two possibilities: a newly-married man, uncertain of how to conduct himself in the strange new world in which he finds himself, turns to Google. Immediately after figuring out hugging protocols he Googled “protocol for friendly winking, like after you tell a joke or something, married man.” The second scenario: Janice, in Accounts Receivable, is throwing a goodbye party for Steve, her married supervisor of 4 years, who is moving to another company in the plastics manufacturing industry. Janice is a bit of a worrier, prone to overnalysis, and she just knows that as the Friday afternoon party in the cafeteria draws to a close she’s going to have to either shake Steve’s hand or give him a hug. She and Steve have always had a good-natured, jocular relationship, but it’s always been entirely above board. A handshake strikes Janice as overly formal, but a hug just . . . I don’t know. That would seem a little too familiar, even if he were single.

“i don’t know what i am feeling right now but i want to know” – You know, there’s a decent chance Janice is going to get an answer to her question. But this person can’t possibly believe that’s going to happen, right? As I read this query it dawns on me that Google has in many ways replaced God as the place to turn when you’re in a corner and you need help and you know you’re probably not going to get it but oh, well, I guess it can’t hurt to try.

“im straight but feel something for my buddy” – No shame here, Ron. Let’s talk about it.

“jessica biel lds”– From the annals of wishful thinking. This may also have been Ron.

“love big guys” – Man, Ron, give it a rest.

“is it ok if i don’t own a purse” – No.

“she called me a ‘big guy’” – Oh, man. That one is rough.

“what’s a good nickname for a tall guy” – I am in love with the person who did this. This search is simply pregnant with yearning – yearning to be funny, glib, spontaneous, one of the guys. Unfortunately, the fact that this person had to turn to Google for help on the matter pretty much guarantees that the searcher will never, ever be any of those things. Ever. Also, when you do use the nickname that Google helped you find, make sure you don’t write it down and peek at it right before unveiling it. I’d memorize it if I were you.

“prank calls ruined marriage” – This is the dirty secret that’s been swept under America’s rug. We all know prank calls happen, and we all know how damaging they can be to a marriage, so why are we so afraid to talk about it? (Real quick, though: do you think the marriage was ruined because they couple in question received prank calls, and the accompanying strain was too much, or was it that the husband – because, let’s be honest – spent all of his time and emotional energy making great prank calls?

“pregnant and feel like i’m having an out of body expirence” – So you’re watching yourself type that into Google? That’s the best you’ve got? Boring. Leave your body behind and go see what’s in Area 51 or at least go spy on your neighbors or something.

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12 Responses to I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Part 2

  1. Andrea W. says:

    I was dying at your raisenette commentary. This whole phenomena is kind of heartbreaking. Seriously, don’t people have anyone they can turn to for these kinds of questions and problems?

  2. Christian says:

    “im straight but feel something for my buddy” – No shame here, Ron. Let’s talk about it.

    lol

  3. Ben Pratt says:

    If nothing else, search terms support the notion that most people are idiots. Dumb as rocks. I can only hope that by clicking on a search result at a website called DON’T DO DUMB THINGS perhaps some people have been helped.

  4. Ryan says:

    Serious question: If I were a budding anthropologist looking to make my name in some cutting edge patch of my field, wouldn’t data sets like this provide a fabulous place to do research? I would so love to hear what serious specialists make of this kind of searches, to understand what is driving the misguided, benighted, ignorant but lovable people behind them. It also makes me want to set up a search engine just so that when a truly human request goes into it, I can turn off the bots, pick up the phone, and call that lonely person with some personal advice or solace. Someone invent this. (It’s tons better than an online yearbook).

  5. Gina says:

    Holy crud. I have got to branch out and blog about weirder things! This is the craziest list of searches.

  6. Tears. Tears just streaming. The laughs got progressively louder and harder.

    Protocol for friendly winking, lololol. You are so freaking hilarious. Please promise that this will be a recurring post theme. Please.

  7. kaitlyn says:

    um ok…

    the ron comments made my stomach cramp. the thing about it is that my office is basically silent before 10am. not sure why but nobody talks in the morning, its just quiet and then you hear me reading your blog doing that laughing hard but trying to keep your lips closed so no one is sure if you are giggling or having a seizure. its a great way to start the morning… and creep out co-workers.

    keep it up

  8. Lezlee says:

    Gadrey Jonah! I found your blog through my friend Lindsey Williams and have just spent the last 10 minutes in the best belly laughs I’ve had in ages surfing the interwebs. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the excellent laughs.

  9. Ryan says:

    Glad you found us Lezlee. And Gadrey Jonah to you as well.

  10. Lindsey says:

    I feel left out….What the crap is Gadrey Jonah? I love these posts….but I just don’t know if I believe they are all real. Unless you did some of them yourself.
    PS- I’m the one who searched for the dumbest window cleaner.

  11. Rachie says:

    So another blog I read just did this too. She’s a 24 year old girl who goes to BYU and has an unhealthy obsession with the Jonas Brothers. A search that she found amusing is “I’m 24 and I can’t stop fantasizing about the Jonas Brothers; What do I do?” Well… I just don’t know. This post though… amazing. As was the last! I agree with Danica though… PLEASE make this recurring because it’s far too incredible to end.

  12. Christian says:

    Lindsey, lolol. Burn!

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