Blind Dates: Satan’s Greatest Invention

While watching The Apprentice tonight (No, we don’t really watch The Apprentice for reals. Who still watches The Apprentice? Depressing people. People who watch NCIS and According to Jim, and shows like that.  Who are these 50 million viewers watching these shows, and where do they live? Wyoming? Arkansas?

“Hey Gerald, there are very good shows, and mediocre shows, and very awful shows on T.V.. They’re all free to watch, but I think we should pick a category and stick with it, so which do you want? Well, Darlene, I don’t really know, let’s just go with the very awful ones and do that.”

Anyway, we don’t “watch” watch The Apprentice but tonight we got to watching NBC’s Comedy Night, and then became t.v. paralyzed, and The Apprentice was next. “Oh, the next show on this channel is the Joy of Painting, with Bob Ross. Ok, well I’m already on this channel and my body is t.v. paralyzed, so.” Please note, the parentheses are ending now.), I pulled out my computer to write my post about blind dates and asked Reba if she had any bad blind date stories.

“I’ve never been on a blind date.”

I’m not sure how that can be true. You have all been on blind dates, right?

Although now that I think about it, I guess it makes sense. She went from high school—where you don’t do blind dates—to BYU, and we got married right before finishing school. So she was never in one of those places and times of life where people think to set other people up on blind dates. And in my 3 years at BYU I don’t think I went on any blind dates either. There was no need. It would be like giving a salt water swimming pool to a bottlenose dolphin that lives in the middle of an ocean. But for those of us who did any time at commuter schools, blind dates were just a part of life. Well-meaning aunts and sisters’ friends, whoever, were always on the lookout for you.

I’ve written before about feeling like my dating options at Weber were more or less limited to a few exotic dancers and Estonian exchange students, and those Estonian gals would probably tell you that their only options were a bunch of lurpy dudes from Davis County who didn’t get into BYU, weren’t interested enough in farm science to go to USU, weren’t hot enough to get into UVSC (yes, they used to have a physical rating system in the application, of questionable ethics, but effective nonetheless. Unfortunately all of that went away when UVSC became UVU and started receiving it’s funding from the state instead of Wet Seal.) and apparently had never heard about University of Utah, because why would you go to Weber if you were just as close to the U?

So during my Weber years, I was set up on a few blind dates. One was actually great, and we ended up dating for while (the girl for whom I set the temple marriage date up, just in case, without telling her, until she got the confirmation letter in the mail the next week. Don’t worry about it.)

A few of the blind dates were decent, and a few were just miserable. One girl basically refused to talk, and was giving one word answers. Weirdo with a capital W. So after a few hours of Herculean efforts, I decided I was done, and just stopped talking. We were silent for 30 seconds or so. She finally became uncomfortable enough to pipe up with something lame. I gave a short response, and so on.

Another girl, within the first 10 minutes of the evening, enthusiastically declared “I practically LIVE at the Institute building! I’m there all day long just hanging out! I LOVE IT!” Oh no. 6 hours to go.

On 90% of these blind dates, you’re the one who’s more disappointed in the other party, rather than vice-versa. I know that math doesn’t quite seem to work, but it means that there are a few people out there–bless their hearts–who are always having their expectations exceeded by every blind date. They’re having the time of their lives on these blind dates and can’t believe their good fortune in having every single date be with someone way out of their league. But on rare occasions, you quickly see that you’re the one who has brought the let down with you to the doorstep this evening. Your date answers the door and is beautiful and normal and you think “Ruh Roh.” You’re on the even sadder side of the blind dating equation, which you’re not accustomed to. I knew a blind date was disappointed in me when I accidentally took a sip of her drink instead of mine. I told her, smiling bashfully, and she made a disgusted face and said “Eeewwwww,” so I got her another drink. I don’t know, she was a cosmetologist and maybe they’re more open with their feelings because they talk to women all day long. Can’t say I blame her though. How would you like Matthew McGrory taking a big slimy suck on your straw? Hmm?

What’s your worst blind date?

(P.S., remember how I was saying the Mormon Bachelorette’s cameraman must be interested in her? Done and done.)

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19 Responses to Blind Dates: Satan’s Greatest Invention

  1. Eliza says:

    Wow I love these kinds of posts from you, so random and unfiltered and so dang funny. I am dying at the wet seal funding and foreign exchange students from estonia. lol. and btw, for reals that girl said “eww”? good stuff.

  2. Troy says:

    Utah State girls are actually the hottest.

    NIce call on the well-meaning aunt. My aunt set me up with Snarly McSnaggleby and I was really offended that she actually thought we’d be a good match. I remember being pretty smug when I brought my smokin hot girlfriend (who became my wife) to a family party for the first time. The unspoken message to Aunt Blindie was “yeah, you’re fired”.

  3. Troy says:

    Kook, I noticed you changed the title. 3rd times a charm. Let’s see what else you got.

  4. Christian says:

    lol, Troy. Honestly, people really shouldn’t read these posts until about noon, because I’m always adding and changing. There are around 5 different and new lines from an hour ago, even one to include USU (before I saw your comment!). Trust me, they get better as the day goes on.

    Eliza, she really did say that. She was grossed out. Embarrassing. Although she acted like she enjoyed the rest of the date, and I did too. So I showed up at her salon a few days later while in the neighborhood, to say hi. After waiting in the lobby for 20 minutes without her coming out, I took the hint and moved on.

  5. Ryan says:

    Waaaaaait a minute. I don’t get it. How does the Apprentice segue into blind dates? I’m scratching my head on that one.

    Blind dates are amazingly awful, without exception. I seriously think there’s just something about being on a blind date that would make you reject the person you’re with, even if in other circumstances that person would have been your soulmate. My favorite was when I went out with a girl my uncle set me up with, and she mostly talked about her cardboard cutout of Leonardo DiCaprio, which she and her roommates took turns cuddling with. It was hard for me to keep smiling through all those stories to show how funny I thought they were.

  6. Christian says:

    Um, Earth to Ry, come in Ry! I was watching the Apprentice when I asked Reba about her worst blind date. It was a very natural segue. Stick with us, buddy.

  7. Layne says:

    Good post sharkman. So after waiting for 20 minutes you got the hint? Lucky.

    I asked a girl out, who maybe accidentally gave me her right phone number. I say accidentally because it was “amazing” that she was never home or called me back despite all of the messages I left for her. I needed a wingman to say “let it go buddy” after the second message w/o a call back.

    That was one of those moments when I realized maybe people’s perception of me is different than the perception I have of myself. You may call it my “Matthew McGrory” moment.

  8. Karen says:

    Couldn’t agree more with the title, and loved the post.

    My worst blind date involved getting picked up at a Home Depot parking lot (we lived about 1.5 hrs apart, and this was his meeting point suggestion, no joke) at 4:30 pm (I was dreading the marathon of an evening from the get-go), and we went to serve people dinner at the soup kitchen. I’m all for service, but I thought it was an odd first date activity. After that was food (real food, not soup kitchen food, fortunately), and a children’s play. Like, for people under 12. And then of course, I was returned to my car at Home Depot.

    Suprisingly enough, I decided to give him a second chance. He asked what I was doing on Saturday, and suggested that we go donate blood together. For a date. I flat out refused.

    I’m just not that noble of a person, I guess. I can’t even imagine what our third date would’ve been — sorting clothes at Salvation Army??

  9. Rebecca Bell says:

    hilarious about the UVU girls and funding. and tv paralyzed is the perfect term for it. why else would anyone watch the apprentice at 9 at night?

    troy- “Snarly McSnaggleby” wow. lol. i’m glad you got to show aunt blindie what’s up.

    i remember being asked out on a date that i didn’t really want to go out on but didn’t know how to refuse, so i asked the guy to bring one of his friends and i would bring my twin sister, rachel (so sort of a blind date for me, if you know what i mean). you should’ve heard the sensational stories we were telling these guys about ourselves (ex: we had to be home by 10pm b/c Rachel shovels snow for BYU and she might get a call at 4am if there’s a storm). it only got better from there. if you know it’s not going to go anywhere, hey you might as well have some fun!! ps— we did actually kinda become friends with these guys and they figured out we weren’t real crazies.

  10. Ben Pratt says:

    It sounds like those Weber years were dark ones, Kook. LOL at 6 hours to go and the well-turned phrase “the even sadder side of the blind dating equation.” In fact, I was sitting here smugly pffting at all you people who have gone on blind dates, until just now when I remembered I went on one once. I was just barely home from Brazil and my cousin set me up with a viola player she knew.

    It was actually just fine (though a bit forgettable, as you may have noticed). I think Wendy’s Frostys were involved.. Years later I come to find out she married a guy I sorta knew when I was in high school. Ryan, of course I figured it out when my acquaintance’s wife asked to be my Facebook friend.

  11. Troy says:

    Karen — LOL. That’s a great story. Soup Kitchen, blood donation…service project dates are just trying way too hard. Maybe I’m cynical but it seems like overcompensation for something sinister. Like “We’ll go hold babies at the orphanage then I’ll slip her a roofie”. Nobody has that good of intentions and if they do, they don’t flaunt it on a first date.

  12. Dallin D. Hutchinson says: Satan’s OTHER Greatest Invention

    Oddly enough, all the blind dates I can recall were actually quite good. However, I think is Satan’s other great invention. When I was living in Australia I tried it out. Once, I meet this girl who was ridiculously hot and we both agreed to meet halfway in Melbourne. I was in Hobart, Tasmania and she was in Adelaide. To put this in perspective, it would have been like me being in Salt Lake and her in LA, and we met in Las Vegas. However, when we met each other in the Melbourne airport she was NOT the same girl in the picture. In fact, I make no exagertations, she was 150 pounds more girl than I had expected. She was huge! Needless to say, I made it fairly clear that I was NOT interested and ended up having a weekend to myself.

  13. DeNae says:

    I love the episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where Ray finds out his mother paid a girl to go to prom with him. He sees the girl 20 years later, and says, “YOU weren’t the pathetic loser. I was the pathetic loser!”

  14. Braden says:

    Hilarious, Kook. I think your stream of consciousness technique worked well, even if RX-7 found it a bit hard for his logic circuitboard to process all the connections. This was a great laugh and it made me happy to know that I got married very soon after my mission and avoided this evil.

  15. Serene says:

    Blind Dates? *shudder*

    My therapist said I should discuss such things, it’s good for me, you know?

    There was this one, the guy was actually nice and kind of cute and the date started out well enough.

    Then we met up with a bunch of his friends in which he started boasting about how he would never, ever go on a date with a girl who was younger than 20 years old because they are just too immature and fickle. unreliable and selfish.

    Suddenly he stopped, turned to me asked, “Wait, how old are you?”

    I’m sure I barely managed to peep out my response, “18”.

    He spent the rest of the date trying to pawn me off onto one of his other guys friends… several in fact.

    Jerk face.

  16. Rachie says:

    I once went on a date where I was the one who was the let down. We had planned dinner and a movie over the phone, but once we got to the restaurant the guy went to the bathroom 3 times before he told me something came up and we had to end the date. I’m actually still surprised that he didn’t just leave me there like I think he was trying to get up the guts to do. Hmmm.

  17. craig says:

    i love bob ross. how dare you

  18. You are BUGGIN with your “ruh roh!” The most annoying phrase ever created. Oh man, so many hearty laughs throughout this one. First off, the tv paralysis is way too funny – NCIS does the trick at those times. Loved: bottlenose dolphins, exotic dancers, reference to your temple-date fiasco, institute girl, and the Ewww girl (holy crap, that is so funny). I’m pretty sure my first date was a blind date, a double one, with my YW leader’s bro-in-law. It wasn’t too bad, especially since I had a friend with me. Seriously, all blind dates should be required to be double dates. Who wants to leave an entire night up to chance?

  19. Anna says:

    I think it is safe to say the first blind date I went on (and my last) was definitely my worst. We were playing miniature golf (classic) and the poor kid threw up right in front of me – made me gag – you know how it goes.

    The line about UVSC…ahem, I mean UVU will keep me laughing through the week.

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