Guest Post: Mo Daters, Mo Problems

Thanks to Eliza, longtime D3T (are we going with that? I heard we’re going with that.) reader and commenter for her guest post, below:

Getting married at 19 has its advantages (e.g. helping each other through tonsillectomy recoveries, difficult puberty years, etc). I really only had a year of navigating the complicated, mostly painful, and rarely exciting dating game (late bloomer, okay?). As the older and wiser married friend, I listened to my friends’ tales of painful breakups, creepy stalkers, and awkward blind dates with a benevolent and slightly smug smile on my face. That smile would be wiped clean when I realized finding my spouse was the easy part; the hard part (besides that whole getting along thing) was finding other couples to be friends with. Now instead of two people you have 4 complicated variables you’re dealing with and trying to find chemistry between. As we started navigating these complicated waters, I started seeing the eerie similarities between dating as a single and dating other couples.

Piggy 1

“Life as a child bride is going to be easy and awesome!”

Josh and I started out lucky. We had mutual friends that got married around the same time, so it was easy. Everyone was comfortable. If one person got up to go the bathroom, you didn’t panic and try to figure out what on earth you could talk about with the other spouse. It just flowed. But soon they moved and we had kids and we just didn’t get together as much as we wanted. So we started looking elsewhere. Our church ward was ripe with eligible young couples so we started the screening process. At first we would observe from afar. On a scale of one to ten, what was their collective coolness at? What were their personalities like, did they take themselves too seriously? Did they have our same sense of humor? Did they have kids? After talking it over, Josh and I voted on whether to pursue a courtship or not. Now before you judge me, hear me out. After our assessment, more often than not we determined the couple was just a little too cool/attractive/rich/hip/awesome for us. We’re nerds and we know it. We just couldn’t keep up with their I-phones, trendy clothes, and everything else that goes into that mysterious world of being cool.

Piggy 2

We’ll never know unless we just cowboy up and ask them out.

But on the other end of the spectrum there are some couples we just knew we wouldn’t click with, based on our interest level in World of Warcraft and D&D.

PIggy 3

“No problems here. Ask if they prefer Friday or Saturday night. I assume they’ll be cool with the Guns & Parrots of the 80’s Expo we want to go to”

So it was a delicate balance, this assessment business. Well, shortly after we moved into our second apartment we found the perfect couple. They had a daughter our son’s age and were really nice and fun to talk to. So we began the courting process.  We hinted at hanging out, gave them all the right signals, warm smiles, etc… Turns out after a brief conversation with her, I found out that they are like 8-10 years older than us. I felt so betrayed. Here we are putting all this effort into a relationship that just could never be. It’s not that we didn’t want to hang out with them because they were “old” it just made me feel so young and immature. I mean she was a teacher for goodness sake, they had real careers and a house. We were living in a tiny basement apartment having heated arguments over who got the leftovers and if Spanish words were a legitimate way to win scrabble. They were adults and we couldn’t even rent cars without one of our parents (parents are the best. They’re so old and can do so many things. Sigh). With heavy hearts we sadly decided to move on and found ourselves in a rebound relationship. The new couple was perfect, and they seemed into us, so we invited them for dinner and games.  It was a smashing success. After they left, Josh and I sat up in bed giddily reviewing the night remembering when they laughed at our jokes or when our eyes met and they had a subtle twinkle in theirs, etc… We saw them at church and were confident of their approval. They promised to host the next time. We waited and waited and waited. Weekends went by and… nothing. We started to get paranoid. “Oh gosh, oh gosh, we were WAY too forward, we showed WAY too much interest.” So we backed off a little, passing them in church pretending not to see them till they said “hi”.  We played hard to get. How you like me now? Well, apparently they didn’t.

After driving by their house, one of us (mostly someone whose name rhymes with “schmosh”) would go into a tirade of how awesome we were and fun and funny, if they didn’t like us that was just too freaking bad! Well we kept getting ready to totally move on but then we would see them at church and they lead us on again, telling us how much fun they had and that we needed to do that again. They said they would give us a call. Whatever! We all know that line. We felt like the annoying girl that never gets a date and chalks it up to the boys being “intimidated” or that they’re just not the initiating type.

Well time has passed and we’ve gotten over our hurt and built our confidence back up as other couples have shown interest. But we really still haven’t found that one couple that we are comfortable enough to call twice in a row and not wonder if they’re just being nice to accept.  So we’re cutting through the crap and are starting an online friend service that matches couples up based on coolness, interests and compatibility.  Who’s in?

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16 Responses to Guest Post: Mo Daters, Mo Problems

  1. Christian says:

    lolol at the caption under the first picture. I love it! (Cuz I wrote it!)

    Funny post, and one that addresses a universal problem. Finding good, solid couple friends is the hardest thing ever. We’ve been lucky a few times, although it always seems that one of you ends up moving.

    One of the big difficulties is that when you’re single dating and you’re out of conversation, what do you do? You make out, of course. No problem. When you’re dating another couple it’s not so simple. I guess you could just each make out with your own spouse, but doing it in front of the other couple might be kind of weird, so honestly I don’t know what the answer is.

  2. Alesa says:

    Ha Ha Ha. Oh my gosh Eliza, you hit the nail on the head. Finding couples does suck. But in defense of the couple who never called you back, maybe they are terrible host. I know that we would fall into that category. We always mean to, but never get around to asking people over.

  3. Oh my gosh. DYING. Your family took more than its fare share of funny genes, dude. Love that we were both child brides. We’re for sure in.

  4. Megan Bell says:

    i love this post so much.

    parts I especially loved:

    “If one person got up to go the bathroom, you didn’t panic and try to figure out what on earth you could talk about with the other spouse.”

    STORY OF MY LIFE. Except not with a spouse, just with people in general and your backup-friend-that-is-there-only-for-a-confidence-boost (that’s basically what marriage is though, right?) bails on you.

    “We were living in a tiny basement apartment having heated arguments over who got the leftovers and if Spanish words were a legitimate way to win scrabble”
    Oh gosh. I never even thought about fighting over the leftovers … which sucks, because I know that’s something I’m going to want.

  5. Madison says:

    Very funny, Lize. It’s so true that everybody has this problem. I remember right after we got married, we went to a married student ward. On the way home Keith told me we were going to a family ward because there was no way in heck he was going to have anything in common with anyone in Elder’s Quorum because they were all “charter members of the goof troop.” Nearly every man there was into dragons and writing fantasy books.

    However – I have sort of found a solution to your problem – you have to move outside of Utah. Then your ward becomes your family and your friends. All our friends out here are at least 10 years older than us, but nobody seems to care.

    Now that I’m through with my novel, very funny stuff. Your whole family did get good humor genes.

  6. Eliza says:

    Chris-seriously those were dang funny captions, thanks for adding those. and thanks for the makeout comment which makes my post sound kinky. good work.

    Alesa-that is the conclusion I chant to myself in the mirror, “it’s okay eliza, some people just don’t like to host and it doesn’t occur to them , it doesn’t mean nobody likes you and everybody hates you.” Seriously, though I think that does happen in a lot of cases. at least that’s what I”ll keep telling myself. ; )

    Danica-thanks. We’ll look over your application.

    Megan-So true, your spouse really is your wingman and I have to say it is fabulous. and yeah, leftovers at our house use to be a huge issue. Seriously. Because Josh not only took the leftovers but if we went out to eat and got separate plates, I would save some of mine specifically for lunch the next day, and guess who took it to work? oh no you di’unt!” we have since moved on and Josh knows it is akin to adultery if he takes my restaurant meal.

    Madison-oh man that is painful that your whole ward was like that. dang funny. Yeah, I have heard the out of state ward thing is the way to go. In utah everyone has their family as backup hangout place and it’s hard to really develop close friends. I guess I”ll just have to move then.

  7. Layne says:

    I hate that everyone in Utah has their family as “back-ups.” We have friends who have dinner plans every Sunday at either parent’s house and then so and so always has a family baptism/marriage/blessing/BBQ every other Saturday. Families need to quit being so tight with each other in UT.

    Anyway, I loved your post especially because of the swinger-type undertones that the post was written with. Good stuff Eliza. I kept expecting the dialogue to continue with “Honey, which wife in the ward is the hottest?” Or Which husband has the best looking abs? We need to have them over…”

  8. Shauna says:

    Loved reading this again, you always have me laughing. If you do end up developing an online couples friend service, we’re in.

  9. Ryan says:

    Funny post. Yes, it’s true that living outside of Utah makes it tons easier. But not totally easy. There is still definite courting out there. The other difficulty is that with marriage it just takes one. One couple of of friends, however, is rarely sufficient. So you have to stay in the dating pool forever. That’s a tiring thought.

  10. Eliza says:

    Layne, lol. I was so paranoid that people would think that where I was going and I sooooo wasn’t, so thanks gutter mind. ; )

    Shauna- we’ll do a test run at the couples book club and then we can see what our future holds.

    Ryan-so depressing and so true. dis.

  11. Emily says:

    If I ever get on this subject with other people I refer them to your original blog post. Still awesome, I love it. Our better half moved to Pittsburgh just over a year ago and we haven’t found a great match since. Tears. Wish you guys lived closer. I think a prereq to things working well is when you live walking distance apart.

    BTW, Do “THEY” know how you feel? Pretty sure they’d have a huge laugh if they ever read this! Even though Chris is good friends with B, we never even got a first date. We only get together at friend Christmas parties even though we were all totally awesome with each other. Now they’ve moved far far away….

  12. Davis says:

    Eliza, this was truly the #1 worst surprise about getting married. I really thought I’d put all this behind me – the self-doubt, the games, etc. I was – and continue to not be – happy about it. At all.

  13. craftyashley says:

    HA! It is so hard finding couple friends! Investing so much time into a relationship- then having them MOVE?! Uncalled for!

    Although after reading through your experience, I now know why the fun young couples won’t talk to us at church. We’re the OLD couple! CRAP!

  14. Andrea W. says:

    You’ve hilariously captured something so painfully true! Loved this post!

  15. Braden says:

    Brilliant post, Lize! Great job. This line captures how I feel about so many aspects of my life!

    “We just couldn’t keep up with their I-phones, trendy clothes, and everything else that goes into that mysterious world of being cool.”

    That was true in 6th grade when I couldn’t find the same kind of clothes at Sears and JC Penny that the popular kids wore. It’s true now about iPhones and organic food and stuff like that.

    You are hilarious.

  16. Serene says:

    I-phones? What are those?

    I like to lovingly blame my husband for our lack of social life. He’s somewhat anti-social and can’t stand people who seem even the least bit stuck on themselves. It’s very, very difficult to find someone who clicks with him. I can’t tell you how many people have confessed to me how scared they were of my husband when they first met him because he’s definitely not the out-going type.

    Anyway, truly awesome post!

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